Dear Diary, everything I did was for nothing. Finally finding someone who likes me was my top priority these last years and I failed miserably. It's almost as if I never did anything.
I just wanted this one thing and its completely impossible. At least for me, for other people it seems to be so easy, which makes it even more terrible.
Nobody ever cares. I wish so much I could stop caring too, but I can't.
I don't have suicidal thoughts, but I have this desire to show the world how much I care and how it was all for nothing. I wish there was some dangerous situation where I could jump into and save some people or something.
It's because I feel like there is no way I can show my emotions to anyone in a way they would appreciate. But if I did something like this they would have to appreciate me.
I realize that this is old masculine stereotype thinking. Save the princess so she has to love you. Pretty toxic to believe you could change someoned feelings that way. Love should be based on mutual feelings not because they owe you something.
But the problem is that doesn't happen to me. Again that is one of the paradoxons that society presents men with.
1. You can't make somebody love you, be yourself.
2. You have to do all these things and be confident, funny etc. or nobody will love you.
One of them has to be false and of course it's 2. But we keep being told that 2 is true and that makes us do extreme things and wish that we could just do that one big thing so somebody falls in love with us.
I wish I was born later when society has realized what they are doing to men.
Men shouldn't have to rely on status symbols, fake confidence and making women feel indept anymore. Those things should be a thing of the past.
But for that men need women who will like us unconditionally just for who we really are and show that.
But there are almost no women like that. Romance is stuck in the past and who knows when people will notice.