August 25, 2020
Depression.
Its something I've delt with a lot in my life, it runs in my family so I guess I can't be surprised to have a mental disorder related to it.
I thought for a while I might have gotten rid of it... I was indenial.
Depression like heroin, meth, nicotine and many other drugs is an addiction, and just like drug addictions, depression is permanent.
When a drug addict stops doing the drugs it doesn't mean they aren't addicted anymore. I have asked my mother about her experiences with drugs and she has often mentioned that "once a drug addict, always a drug addict", she said she is still occasionally tempted to ask her buddies for some and sometimes she still does come home with some drugs.
Depression is an addiction, the similiarites it has to other drugs are undeniable and very observable.
I think it's pulling me back in. In the past I've come close to commiting suicide and me being a half glass empty type of person didn't help any. I saw almost no reason to keep living, I believe the only thing that saved me was the thought of my mother, her seeing me dead, and she would no doubt commit suicide as well (and I know that sounds like a big assumption but I know my mother, I've seen her attempt suicide before and the only reason she is alive is because my older sister called the cops).
It didn't take much for me yesterday to get really really depressed, I was already questioning the point of living and I am at one of the high points in my life. I have a a family to live for but the fact I have a gun sitting next to my bed almost countered their existenced in those moments.
I love being depressed and that's what makes it so dangerous for me and anyone else who's been in deep depression. The literal pain of cutting becomes a drug, the feeling of sadness and loneliness becomes everything that matters to you and if someone doesn't pull you out of the water, your gonna drown. I just hope I stop walking further into the water while I'm at knee depth.
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