Dear Mom,
Mom.. do you know..?
Do you know why do i always sleep and never get up from bed?
It’s because.. sleep is my escape from reality. When i sleep, I can’t see the world. I’m off. I don’t have to cope with my sick mental. I don’t have to fight with my mind. I don’t need to hold back my tears. I like sleeping because it’s like being dead but without the commitment. Because sleep isn’t a sleep anymore. Neither a rest. But it’s an escape.
Do you know why i always defied you?
It’s because I don’t trust you. Yes, i have a trust issue with people, especially to my own family. But most specially, it’s you. I can’t trust you. How do i explain this? It’s like I can’t believe everything you do means for good stuff to me. Because i was traumatized! You never been there when i need you. How can i trust you? Be me, and you’ll understand.
Do you know why i always put myself down? And why do i self harm?
Haha, think. It’s because of you. It’s because of dad. It’s because the both of you. No one else hurt me more than you both do. You told me i’m useless, a rebel, stupid, even some words like p**, b*st*rd, s*tan, and so many others. I know i am. You put my confidence away. And when i tell you I’m insecure, you get angry and said i have to be grateful for what i have. You said i have to be confident and you gushed. Who you think made me like this? It’s exactly you. It’s you.
Do you know why I can’t take care of myself? Do you know why i’m gross?
It’s because of my mental health issue again, mom. I lost my energy to do everything. I fight with my mind everyday. I’m trying to look okay. I’m trying to put a smile even if i am destroyed. I’m trying to stop myself everyday from self-harming and suicide. I’m always trying to do my best mom. I’m so busy with my own thoughts thinking about my mental illnesses and how to hide them from you and everyone. I’m so busy until i forget that i also have a frame to take care of. I don’t even have the energy tho. It’s not lazy. Be me, and you’ll understand.
Now, do you know why i’m always on my phone like 24/7?
It’s because, again, another way to escape.
I received many cheerful and supportive messages on social media. My moots love me. They always cheer me up. All they done means a lot to me. What they did means everything. They help me survive. Now wbu?
I have a depression, anxiety, psychosis and bipolar. I deal with them everyday. You won’t even know how tired i am to face this everyday. Yes I’m not doing anything in a day. All i do is sleeping and surfing through the internet. But these mental illnesses make me feel so tired. Now what? Are you going to say i’m being too much? Are you going to say i less pray? Are you going to say that you’ve lived longer than me so you know everything and i know nothing yet? Are you going to say i’m stupid? Are you going to say i’m sick? Are you going to say i don’t have these mental illnesses and i’m just sad? Are you going to say i’m exaggerating the problem? Are you going to say that this is all just in my mind and don’t bring them to real life? What? What else? What are you going to say now?
If you say i have to pray more, i think you’re the one who should. You don’t know who’s the only person right here that prays almost every night when everyone falls asleep, do you?
I am your daughter, right? I feel sorry tho that I can’t be the one you were dreaming of. You know, your daughter is coping with mental illnesses. She’s broken. She needs help. Do you even know that you almost lost your daughter for three times..? No, of course. You don’t even care about me🤷🏻♀️ well i know tho, even if i die none of you will be sad. None of you cares. None of you feel missing. I know. The only thing i was thinking about is akhirat and afterlife. Haha.
I’m just so sorry I can’t be the daughter you wanted me to be. There’s nothing to be proud of me. No, i’m even the family disgrace. I don’t know what to say rn, i’m bawling. I write what my heart feels this past three years. I’ve been fighting alone for a long time.
And do you know? I’ve been like this because of you too. Everything gets worse because of you. Where were you when i needed you? I don’t need materials, mom. I need your support. I need you to understand. I need you to accept me with all of my mental issue. That’s everything i wanted. That would mean the world to me. When i need someone to trust me, no one do it for me. When i need a listener to understand me, no one wanted to. When i locked myself every night in the bathroom, when i selfharmed, and when i almost lost my soul, no one cares about it. Am i that bad? Am i that invisible to be seen? I don’t know.
But for now i think it’s enough because I don’t know what else should i say rn. Goodbye.
Batam, july 28 2020