Dear Diary,
I saw him today.
So since last week , I've been telling him about how I have an ex from the past three years and idk why but that might be why hes not being his usual kissy self? At the time that I was leaving he gets so loveable and huggy, we didn't wanna let go. Nothing has ever felt wrong with him. Things are natural with him. But just friends is all we are right now. I really want that discussion of "what are we" but I just know that scares him off. Even today, we got deep about family. I wanted to get to talking about us and what he wants with me. Hes always seemed hesitant to talk about his feelings and stuff.. and I can tell when hes getting anxious and tries to switch topics. That's what he was doing so I backed off. I thought more of it in the car ride back from getting ice cream ... were friends. With history. So what if were not fucking right now, I'm happy spending time with somebody I know and someone I'm pretty much comfortable being around. A relationship with him has always been something I've wanted... but a relationship really takes time. The ideal purpose of a relationship is to move onto marriage and FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. So, maybe my past relationship has changed my mind a little bit on what I want. I really thought it was just a relationship that I wanted. I'm 24.
I think I want happiness. Whoever and wherever. Happiness cant be based off of someone giving it to you. You make your own life and your own happiness. Enjoy the moments. If something or someone goes away...(lot easier said than done)..then so will your attention.
He did however ALMOST kiss me. I felt it. I saw it. He wanted to. But he did not. He didn't lean in, our eyes just locked and the moment got the serious for literally a second. He didn't let go of my hands either as we were being touchy with each other.
Is it because of my HPV?