A heart-to-heart my anxiety.

Dear Diary, why do I always have to think deep before bed? It’s hard to fall asleep and I really wish I could shut my thoughts off.

I was in a little argument/misunderstanding earlier and I felt a little upset and noticed myself tear up a little.. which made me wonder why I get upset or feel sadness in high intensity? 

Why do I have such strong emotions? 

Sometimes they’re awfully overwhelming and overpowering that it gives me anxiety attacks. 

I don’t really understand it and I’ve been meaning to go to my university’s psychologist but couldn’t bc of the virus.

And then I was thinking of my mental health, if I’m doing fine and what’s been happening to me in the last 2 years. There were always subtle signs of anxiety throughout my teen years, until I met my last ex boyfriend.

    A verbally abusive, manipulative, egoistic, sexist, racist, obnoxious jerk. And one of the things he told me was “don’t you dare blame me for your mental issues, I didn’t do anything”

Well Of course I Wouldn’t blame another person for my own issues but it doesn’t help when I was constantly anxious throughout the relationship because of his maniac behavior! He didn’t create anxiety for me but he sure did trigger it to the extreme! And at the same time, University stress.. it just got too much at one point and I started getting anxiety attacks. I don’t think I remember my first ...

I don’t know why I let myself get manipulated into feeling bad for trying to walk away from his behavior towards me, Along with Uni stress and moving to a whole different continent to get a degree. It was too much..

I just want to stop feeling such strong emotions and get overwhelmed to the brink of panic or anxiety attacks. 

    This isn’t normal and I’m worried.. I can’t even stand criticism or constructive criticism (wow I just Teared up thinking about this) Probably because all my mother ever did was taunt me and tease me in a mean way and mock me throughout.  Growing up with that much criticism, being criticised all my existence is hard enough... and to get more from other people? Maybe that’s why I just tear up crying not being able to toughen up and hold it in?

I really hope World Quarantine eases up faster so I can travel back to my campus, far away from my mother and feel comfortable in my own space again and be able to see my uni psychologist.

I really do want to feel better. 

I don’t know how I’m surviving but I want to stop mentally battling for everything and just be able to breathe in peace. I might not look like I’m going through a lot physically... that doesn’t mean I’m okay and I don’t mind hearing “other people have it worse than you” but Mentally I’m not Okay and I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

I accept my problem and I just want to help myself! I’m not talking about it to show it off while other people have it worse. I sympathise.. it makes me more sad and subconsciously makes me feel like I’m a stupid bitch that should stop feeling like this because there are people out there that live in worse situations..

And now I’ve made myself really sad and cry a bit.. 

Here’s a sad goodnight my diary.