July 03, 2020

 

Dear Diary,

I have become disconnected with my husband. We have 2 small children who take up most of my time. He likes to sit in his office and play games in the evenings. He talks to his friends online.


 I only work two days a week and don’t have any really close friends. Only ones I talk to here and there. Ones who text me back three weeks later. 

He comes up to me expects sex. I don’t feel in the mood hardly ever. He then gets annoyed and frustrated, that I don’t want to. Then shuts himself back up into this office. I end up reading a lot. He moans that when he does come into the front room I push him away. 

I think I do it subconsciously. I feel hurt and can’t help but refuse and push back. 


I know some of the hurt and anger comes from when I had our son. It was a long bad delivery which required theatre and forceps. He waited 20 minutes of me being back from theatre And having the baby. He pissed off home. I was left to look after the baby by myself, after a long complicated delivery. I was so exhausted but unable to sleep as I had a crying new baby to deal with. I was in the hospital for 5 days due to needing antibiotics. I found out from by friend that he was online at home playing games with his friends, When he said he was going home to sleep. He also wasn’t much help in the months that followed. The baby only slept 45 minutes at a time and I was tired and left to handle it. While again he stayed in his office playing games. It’s been three years now, but I can’t let go and get rid of this hurt and pain. Surely this is not how you can treat someone who you love. 

I am hoping writing this will help me to at least get some temporary relief of this horrible feeling. 

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