June 16, 2020 ( Bully )

Dear Diary,

Before making any assumption; that i have another angsty past, No.

It wasn't that i got bullied. 

It was me bullying a person, unintentionally. A mistake and a misunderstanding where i feel regret for the pass 23 years. And it will forever drag me down even if I ask for forgiveness.

Primary 3, I was proudful and ignorance like how should a wild ruthless brat be that every adults hates.

I do not know and understand what is right and wrong, I have no guidance but always punishments without given a reason what I did. Typical asian family to live in.

Anyway, it goes like this, 

It was breaktime, a girl in class, she is always alone, skiny and gloomy looking. I dislike it and I do not know why or how to approach her. I only want her to stop being upset over something that cause her. It angers me that look she is giving.

I exploded and yelled at her infront of everyone in class.

" You are ugly! No one will befriend with you!"

Seriously I stunned everyone in class. Other girls start to round up her with pitty look and one of the girl was pissed at me. She said : " How cruel can you be? Don't worry, I befriend with you (the sad girl)" 

I was confused and tried to explain with a laugh but words unable to express my feelings, Thats where I've wronged everyone and especially the sad girl.... I did not appologise because I do not know where I am wrong at. Totally blissful about the situation too soon after.

As how I always grew up in the family, "Upset and Cryover" does not apply sympathy nor proper understanding the overcome, its always a harsh reply : Get over it / So sensitive, how can you live in this world / I am busy, stop being noisy. etc.

That accident sudden replays in my head for some of my oblivions years after switching class level. It has cause me to realise the world I live in does not apply how I was brought up.

I wish I could explain it to everyone back again but I do not remember their faces and name especially that sad girl.

But that sounds like an excuse wasn't it? Why not publish out in social media and the world now? ( i only learn to use computer in my secondary years)

The answer is simple to me, I am escaping and I do not want forgiveness, I have no excuse to have one of what I did. I want that guilt to weight me down forever so I will not make the same mistake again by my shameful acts. Thats how I bind down my ugly nature.

But truely, If I can go back in time, I want to say " Don't look sad, can I help you? Smile please."