Note: the second half of this entry is much happier and definitely worth reading if you enjoy silly, little kids.
I've done it again. 🙄😕 I updated and restarted my dating profile on facebook dating. I'm scared that I might fall into the trap of relying on someone else for happiness but at the same time, I feel so alone. 😣
I hate the initial conversations you have with someone on dating apps. It's so awkward and often ingenuine. I hate when the other person constantly asks what you're doing. If I'm honest, I might just be sitting on facebook talking to you and another guy.
I hate having to tell them that I cannot see them soon since my family is still doing quarantine. I hate telling them that I can't drive and having to explain that I was scared in high school and then when I was finally ready to learn, everyone gave up on me. I hate having to tell them that yes I went to college and no I don't have my degree in journalism, oh, I hate that major btw, because I had something traumatic happen to me last year.
I hate it.
I hate having to tell them about my picky eating habits. I hate having to explain that it's partially due to childhood trauma. I hate hearing that it's just so easy to try new things/food. It's not.
In other, happier, news... My 5 year old, autistic nephew spends every weekend with my parents, grandma, and I. When it is time for bed, he likes to have his grandma (my mom) lie down with him until he falls asleep. Except for about two occasions, he has let me do this instead of my mom.
It's honestly such a gift to have him let you put him to bed. He will lie there and talk about what he did that day for a little bit, but mostly he will talk about what we plan on doing the next day. If something exciting is planned, he will vibrate the bed with his excitement (when he gets excited, he will usually bounce or jump up and down, flap his arms, and rapidly make his hands go from fists to being flat. So when he is vibrating the bed, he's essentially trying to do those things while lying down under a weighted blanket lol.)
My most favorite part about lying down with him is that he will repeatedly tell you he loves you, give you kisses, and squeeze your head in a hug. Sometimes, he will pet my head and say, "Aw, you're so cute." He does that with my mom, too, and it's the sweetest thing.
Anyway, last night I asked him if I could put him to bed and he said I could, but changed his mind before we got to bed. My mom got in bed with him and I thought, "What if we both laid with him?" He loved it.
He kept telling both of us that he loved us; first my mom, then me, then my mom again. He kept asking us if we were sleeping with him and we said yeah we are. But then he started thinking about his grandpa, my dad.
"Haha papaw has to sleep by himself!" And then he would make a sound with his mouth kind of like lululululul (he would make his mouth into a small o and make his tongue go side to side).
I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and I was crying. It is very rare for me to cry from laughing. He kept saying it and it made me laugh harder and harder. My mom was laughing, too, of course.
I smiled really big and put my arm over his belly and tried to stay calm but then I would start thinking about it again and I'd be laughing again. On two occasions, I had calmed down enough but then I felt his little body heaving with small laughter and it got me started all over again.
I can't help but smile while typing this. 🙂
I don't really know when he started doing the lululululul thing, maybe about a week ago, but it absolutely kills me every time. It's hilarious. If he hadn't added the lululululul to, "haha papaw has to sleep by himself," I probably would've just did a little laugh. But he absolutely killed me. 😂