Dear Diary –
So I had a doctors appointment today for a lab draw, that kept me up. I didn’t take my sleep meds, cause I needed to be able to make all my timetables today. It sucked cause my loving husband was at work, so I was all alone. Me and my dreams. Me and my pain.
Let me explain a little slice of the 6 years of pain. I think it’s just that once you’re down, people seem to like to keep kicking you and taking advantage of you. I had a bad experience in high school, after graduation I started my new job that took up 6 years of hell from the moment I signed up. One thing happened and then another, and there was no time for recovery. People talk, and cops ask questions, and investigators are intrusive. You are never allowed it feels to move on from it, to be able to heal from it. Everyone just wants to pick at your wounds and make it all feel like it’s your fault.
I had a senior that was on a few deployments and exercises in a few countries where I had some run ins and issues. I will refer to him as SS. When we ran into each other in Thailand he tried to be so compassionate. But he was demanding and odd. We had a few other strange moments in some other locations but when we were back in the states he invited me out. I kept avoiding him but he came to my barracks room with his wife. They kept inviting me out, and I eventually went but only because I felt pressured into it. They made it a rather regular thing to try and get me out on weekends, and he said that he felt bad for me and some of the things he knew I went through and the injustices that I had been facing. He said he wanted to make things a little better for me. I eventually accepted his invite to his home with his wife, and I know now, that I should have kept listening to that little voice telling me not to. I had started to think that the little voice was just jaded from all that I have been going through. But it hasn’t done me wrong no matter what. I follow it NOW with no questions or hesitations.
He eventually convinced me that there’s an alternate lifestyle that would be cathartic for me, and would help me get over all the things that I had been through. In hind sight, he molded me, he deep down made me so scared, and afraid to say no, or have the will power to fight back. A slave that will do anything when asked or demanded.
Dream Journal: The day was a haze, there was so much going on. SS had a house party and his friends were over with their girls. He keeps telling me one day I will join their line, this time he had me dressed like them, my hair up in a loose bun, no clothes, and a collar on. He calls me his Jewel. I was working on cleaning up around the house after the party… collecting all the bedding, and wiping down all the walls, surfaces, and floors… rounding up all the trash, and dishes. His friends were putting all the heavy furniture back where it originally was. They normally don’t talk to me…but this night they were. I didn’t know what to say to them. In my dream it’s all mumble and muffled, I cannot make out exactly what they are saying. They were getting upset that I wasn’t paying attention to them. Working on one room, the man in that room was critiquing how I was cleaning. Telling me that I wasn’t doing things the right way, or in a right order. SS came in when he heard the man raising his voice. The man spoke to SS and he said…”she is still learning, but maybe it’s time to take her training to the next level.” SS explained that he was going to let the men guide me, and punish me as they seemed fit. The first man had a cane, he would slap me with it, in the arm, or leg, or butt, to try and “guide me” with it he said, to move the right way while cleaning. I never seemed to do anything right though. I tried to listen to him and when I did what he wanted then he changed what he wanted, and how he wanted me to do it. When the room was done to his approval, he gave me permission to move to the next room. This room was a bedroom and needed a wipe down and sheets on the bed. The man from the previous room walked me down, and SS was there talking to another of his friends. The next man told me that he would guide me as well, punish as needed, and reward when earned. He had me standing in certain positions, and responding to him in specific ways. I was only allowed to move or clean or do what he wanted me to. He would spank me when I was bad, and put me on my knees then pet my head and call me a good girl when I did things his way. Like the last man, he would still change the way he wanted me to do things once I figured it all out... I had more spanks, then good girl moments. They would rotate turns between the next few rooms. When the upstairs was all done we went down stairs, and there the other girls before they were taken away mostly cleaned everything already. There was a table in the living room. The men wanted me to serve them drink and a snack. I listened to their requests and tried to make the drinks and plates to their requests. When I came back, SS had a leather strap in his hands. My heart sank…I had seen things at the party, and only wondered if something was going to happen to me. After I put the food and drinks down, I was directed to kneel, and to watch them eat and drink. One man was upset with his drink and poured it on me. I stood up and wanted to walk away and get a towel, they yelled at me and forced me to my knees and scolded me for getting up. The other man tried his food and was upset that is wasn’t how he wanted it, and threw it at me. SS came over and tied the leather strap around my wrists, the two men stood me to my feet and the three guided me to the table. I tried to resist, the one had the cane he would hit my legs, the other would slap my butt, and one time my face… and SS took the straps and pulled them to the opposite end of the table…. Forcing me to a face down, and bent over the table position. I tried to scream, but then from behind someone put something in my mouth and covered it with duct tape. SS stood there holding the straps and watching them as they took turns flogging me, and having sex with me. Then one of the men took over holding the straps while SS then had his turn with me. When he was done his wife gave him some towels or something and he took his time wiping me down, and cleaning me up. His wife took the straps, and slowly helped me up from the table. She led me down the hall to their bedroom. I fell to the floor and started to cry. She told me to get over it, that I was doing good, that I was going to be their Jewel. She took the tape off my mouth, and the straps off my wrists. I didn’t know that SS was there, he picked me up and put me into a cage at the side of his bed. ….and that’s when I woke up.
His training when on from there. There were more parties, and many other things. I am sure as they are relived in my dreams, I will share them with you. I was happy when the horror ended. When someone saw what was going on with me… followed me…and turned them in. I has relieved that the pain would stop, but I was forever changed. There are still times when someone does something, says somethings, moves in a certain way, and I flinch or have a flash back, or something… It was hard too. I knew that with things that had happened in my past few years already that no one was going to believe me. People already had opinions, and stories, and rumors were already flying everywhere. It was like people felt they already knew me before I knew them… I hated and didn’t trust authorities, they just made everything worse. As SS’s training continued, I lost the ability to fight back, to say no. It just seemed easier to just black it all out, to disconnect, and just let it ride out. The more I fought the worse it was. I stopped being there, being in the moment. Sometimes I now have triggers, as someone does something or says something…even smells…I have these day dreams, these memories, that come to the surface. It’s all just pain though… It carried over to more then just the house parties... It was at clubs, at parties, anywhere...and with anyone.... nothing seemed to matter anymore. It still happens at times, when someone is overbearing, or overpowering... I just shut down. I don't want it to, I don't want to do those things...but I don't know how to say no anymore. I am so thankful for my husband...my protector...my savior.