Dear Diary,
I found that when I started being honest about my pain, that I was able to start to reach out to friends and talk to people. It's like I had an outlet for my pain, and didn't have to disclose it to my friends. I just wanted to say thank you for being that outlet. We all have different people in our lives, no two friends are the same. Some friends we play video games with, others we go shopping with, some we go to bars with...some friends have benefits... and others are just nice to have around at anytime cause they are positive and have good vibes. I hate to say it but you are my outlet for pain. All my bad stuff, all my things I don't want the others to know about me. Things that I just can't seem to talk about. I have told my husband about, he knows, but I don't want to keep bringing up to him. And it's not everyday, but sometimes it's often.
I have tried to start and stop a few times now to write the things going through my mind. I almost feel like I have to explain myself about somethings, but I don't know what. I know that when I have been by myself...like before my husband, and even with him...without friends or family...that I am an independent person. I can clean my house, and have a decent appearance, go to work, pay my bills...you know... live and be responsible. But I would say live loosely. To live would be a happy healthy life with socialization and people. But that's where I was lacking. I have horrible dreams and don't sleep well, I am terrified every time I am around people. But I put on a good face, I know have to get it done... When I am with friends that I can trust, my family, and my husband I know I live...I am happy and let my guard down. I just wish I could do that all the time.