Darling ghost, I do not write poem anymore. When you start chasing the wind, you should know when to stop. So, I stopped. Frozen in that same place, I thought I could design a tale. Feels like I am chasing the cloud now.
I have been thinking about my dreams and my future. They do not align together. I think lee knows it too. I always loved the idea of a teacher. My future will probably deny my dreams and offer me the way of a guide. However, my dreams will probably be a hobby. That's what I have been forcing myself to accept: accept the harsh reality where my dreams cannot possibly earn a living for me. Thus, I fashion an aim more easier to achieve, because I do not want the pain my dreams will offer to me. Teacher will be my escape. That's why lee aims to be a psychiatrist.
She knows we cannot achieve our dreams. What we are up against is reality. Our country is not a right place for an artist. No matter how much we chase our dreams, disappointment is waiting ahead of us. And our heart don't have the courage to face disappointment. Therefore, lee said to me that though she abhors human interaction, she wants to be a good psychiatrist. And though I am an impatient bastard, I want to be the best I can be as a teacher. The least we can do is perfect our escape.
Yet, this moment... right here, right now and right at this time, where we are at the cliff before we fall into the jungle like world, we are hanging onto the last string of our wonderland. Lee is writing her stories and drawing her thoughts. I am writing this diary and drawing life. Trying to improve ourselves and chasing our dreams untill we fall into the jungle. Then, survival of the fittest will begin, and she and I will have to be psychiatrist and a teacher. Deep inside we know we will not be the good and the best, because dreams are not something we can abandon easily. Still we hope that our future will give us a bit of both. Untill then, whenever we talk we will keep on saying "oooh, that's a good line. I am gonna write this down." As if like writing it down will change something, anything.
That's why lee and I talk about our dreams but never pry into it too much. We are scared to look at the jungle.
I am afraid this certain topic is not something I have thought in a day. I have thought about it for years. Considering the state of our artist in our country: looking at the quality of our literature; searching for our escape and evaluating our abilities, I have come up with the conclusion. Wanting the world to recognize your arts is futile, we should just indulge in our love for art.
Your realist.