Dear Diary,
So to give a little back story, High school was...High school, good to some, and would never do it again for others (I for one). Then came my first job that was 6 years of pain and hell that plague my dreams and fuels my depression, where my insecurities and issues comes from. Then came where I float through job after job, and moving from place to place. I get married and now I am trying to live my life.
Don't get me wrong, there are were alot of good times too. Travel and seeing the world, culture, history. A few friends, but I never really was able to feel connected with them, with all the other things going on in my life. I have family but none that I am very close to... and based on how my parents took the news of something that happened to me in high school... I knew I couldn't ever tell them anything bad about life.
Dream Journal: My first job out of the 6 year hell, I had a hard time adjusting, but there were alot of nice people. None of them were in the old boys club, or knew me. It was like a fresh start. Something changed around work, contracts were negotiated, buy outs, people got let go, people got shuffled around. There were some of the original people left that I was familiar with, but the job was different after that and many people slowly left to find new work, myself included eventually. My new job had 2 people that I knew before there, so it seemed comfortable enough, but it was such a small work environment compared to my first job (going from a building with 150 people to a building of 8 people). It started to become apparent that one of those persons were, maybe a little too ...clingy? is that a good word? His name is BH and he is about 10 years older then me, still lived with his parents, and always in the same house since he was child... there were some times he was at my house waiting on me, or bringing me things, always in my office and standing really close to me. His parents later bought him a house near theirs, but still cut his grass, did his laundry, and brought food over for him. I eventually left that job and moved to where no one knew me. Yet another start over. It didn't take long, and it was the phone calls, and text messages, and emails. When I finally bluntly said leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you, he started showing up places. He didn't even live or work in my new city, and he was randomly at places. One day he was in my driveway... I didn't even stop, I kept driving. He would leave flowers on my door, and he even would leave notes. On day he sat on my front steps all day and night, I ended up getting a hotel room. His note told me that his dad had passed away. I felt bad for him but was still scared of him. One day I had some friends over, and he showed up. I guess we didn't lock the front door. He just came in started mingling, eating, drinking. Told everyone that he was a friend of mine. I was scared and already had a few drinks, so I did what I do best, curled up into myself and got really quiet, and had no idea what to do. I didn't know how to tell people that I didn't want him there, I hate and am afraid of cops, and he is bigger and stronger then me, and now in my house, in my space, and I was totally vulnerable. He was nice to people and made his way around. I encouraged people to stay, we all were drinking and staying up late, I brought out air mattresses, and pillows and blankets. I went to my room to use the bathroom, and he was in my room when I got out. He had closed and locked the door, told me that everyone was ok and going to sleep, and started to get undressed and lay in my bed. I tried to shuffle my way to my closet, and barricade myself into it... he wasn't having that. He nearly broke the door, so then I made it to my bathroom and locked the door, he broke my door handle and the door frame getting me out of there. Other then him grabbing at me and pulling me to the bed, he was rather gentle with me after that. I waited till he fell asleep and then sneaked out of the room and slept near my friends all passed out in the rest of the house.
From then on the encounters with him were just me learning to avoid him as much as possible. If he did see me in a public place I told him, go away, I want nothing to do with you. I was on night shift once and my neighbor called me that he was there banging on my door making noise... Few years later I met my now husband, I stayed alot with him. A short 2 years later we got married and moved in together. Not to long after we moved to another state and got a different job. I would get emails, and phone calls. I ignored them they best I could. I still feared that he could use public records and find me. Now we yet again have moved to a new state and city... and I have started getting phone calls from his area code, and emails from him again. In my dream I come home from work and he is there waiting on me... but I know in real life that hasn't happened yet. It's still that fear that it will though.
And then when I wake up I just feel powerless, and full of fear ...I still fear him, he never seems to go away. They may not be calls from him, they could be...and although his emails are only, how are you, i miss you messages. He just won't get it that I don't want him around... Why won't he go away, why won't he move on and leave me alone...