I don't want to leave.
I became so scared of what's in store for me when I graduate from college. I'm in my 20's and I'm expecting myself to handle the tuition of my siblings when I land a decent job. And I don't want to admit that the pressure has become unbearable. At most, a seed was planted in my heart and it grows heavier. And heavier.
I'm experiencing a period of lows again. It's the time of the year when I just want to give in to whatever.
I just want to give up my ambitions. And these ambitions are driven by the fact that I don't like being left behind. I don't want to have the "lower status" among my batch mates. I always want to be ahead. I did things that will be beneficial to my future, building up my credentials and connections. However, my technical skills are lacking. And it took a toll on me.
I looked so much ahead and took more things than I could handle. I took the responsibilities of others because I don't trust them. I always say yes to opportunities that I failed to look at myself and ask if I am still ok.
Opportunities can pass and you might not have the same opportunities again but I realized that all I need to take care of is my mental health,
I used to think that I'm strong but as I face small problems after small problems, I can see that I'm not ready for the world.
This quarantine came when I needed it the most. I needed an escape. Not that I'm happy about the things that's crumbling our world. But I really appreciate the time it gave me. The rest I am given.
I know that I should've made it more productive. To learn a new skill that will give me the money, the security in the future.
Bu I stayed in my comfort zone. I read novels, watch movies and series. But I didn't really did anything to improve myself, career wise.
I just want to live a mediocre life, with a mediocre salary. I don't want a stressful job. I just want a job that gives me time for myself and my family, lots of vacations for me to step outside my job and do the things that I like.
I don't really care about the opinion of others. In fact, I don't want to constantly socialize with people. I wanted to be cooped up in my cave and not be bothered by anyone or anything.
One time, I dreamed that if only I could be a housewife. But I don't really want that. I want to be in control of my own life. I want to have a career that pleases me, yet don't take too much of my time.
I know that it's wishful thinking. And that reality is really harsh. And the fact that I keep on thinking about the difficulties in the future, I am sinking deeper to my comfort zone.
I know that I will have those motivation bursts again. That period of my life when I get the most job done. I like that mood but I also like my rest mood.
I don't know anymore. But I understand myself enough. I will get by.
After quarantine, I need to socialize a bit and make myself happier. As much as I prefer disconnection when I'm escaping, I need to get in touch and pick up where I should.