March24,2020A memory in a bottle



Sometimes I wonder , what it would be like to have a group of kids from single child homes and share each other's experiences.. I'd definitely like to hear about the  other kids stories..

For me, as long as I can remember, I've always been my own brother,sister,bestfriend, teacher, mentor,...Even enemy..

It's a unique state of mind we grow up in, that others cannot understand because they never grew up inside that mould. Sometimes I look back and think, it would have been nice to have more people in my life, but then I think about all those experiences which I dealt alone and how that shaped me, made me stronger, and I think I'dnevertrademylifeforanythingelse..

Mentallytheseexperienceshavemademegrowupfasterthanmypeers.Itcausestroublestoo.It's almost impossible to fit in with any group..Your peers look at you and think why is she so boring, you pity them and think why these people behave so childishly. Why can'ttheyseethesamecommonsensethatissoblatantlyapparenttoyou?...Butit's ok, I'velearnttolive. 

TodaywasoneofthosedaysI'll never forget. I threw around things,  slammed a door, ....immediately started hating myself for my actions, my words, but I felt so helpless...That laughter was ringing so hard in my head. ..It was not like the joker,..But I guess if there had to be a joker irl, his laugh would be like this one, faint but distinct. It pierced my heart, and I lost control..

Fear, confusion,anger, helplessness...

I take full responsibility of my actions..I only  blame myself, ...Life is like that..You just have to let it take it'scourse.Thingshappensometimeswhenyoudon't expect and as I learnt today, sometimes it'sbesttojustwatchitandletitpass...Evenifyouhavetoremainhelplessinthatmoment

It's  a little sad, because these experiences are starting to wipe out the last bits of the child in me that I'vetriedsohardtopreserve,.....forkeepsake


ButIguessthat's fine, ...In this harsh world, only sensible adults survive and I'mpreparingtobeoneofthem.

Mylifehasonlymademestronger,theonlyshouldersIneedsupportfromaremyown,Myvictoriesarearesultofmanypeople's hardwork , but my sorrows will always be my own. They will never be shared, I don'tyearnforanyone's sympathy. .. I'dratherliketobethelightinotherslives.Myconvictionandresiliencewillalwayscarrymeforward,likeithasfromday1.They're all I need.

Anyone can put stones and rocks and mountains in my way if they want to, but no one can ever stop me. 



I hope I can read this entry 5 years and smile..