I can feel the hole in me. It makes it hard to breathe. It hurts. I want to die. not literally. I want to feel. I don't know what I want. Whether its punishment or love. I just want this void to disappear. I always think that it wouldn't be so bad to go, but it would. Thinking about dying, it's not death that scares me. It's how it would affect others. I wish I could know how it feels to not care. I care so much that it kills me. I wonder if people can see the pain in my eyes, like how it says in stories. I wonder how people see me. I wish I could be sad at school and not just by myself. I wish I could show that I'm not happy. I'm going to the concert. I wonder how ------ would feel if he knew. I wonder what it would be like if people could read my mind. I don't think I will get help by going to therapy. Im writing this in my writing/story notebook, what if someone found it. I always wonder. I don't know whether or not I want someone to find this. I know I do. If someone reads these entries, maybe they'll reach out and then I can talk to someone whos real and not paid to help me. I was contemplating texting the hotline again. Just to talk to someone. Maybe I should just ask to talk, instead of waiting forever. Probably. I can't say I want to die or I wish I didn't care without lying. Everything I'm about to say is a lie. I wish I could die, so that I could be free. I wish nobody cared so that I could die, so that my death wouldn't hurt anyone. I want to die. I want to die to end this endless hell. So this hole in my chest can close. (end) A partner won't end my pain. I can talk to them, but it won't end. I wish more people would express appreciation towards me. I feel like a burden. I have to constantly tell myself I'm not but I still think I am. I don't know if I want to be happy, I just want to be gone.
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