Dear Diary,
I wanna note down my tirunelli trip, but its too long and i'm too sleepy and i need to get some things out of my way bfore i write about that beautiful exerience.
well, i finally got my dream grad school admit. i always imagined what it would feel like opening that email and jumping up and down in the air and all that, but when it happened it wasnt that dramatic. When i closed the interview, i had the feeling, i would get in, then the question was only when would the mail come.
the mail came eventually but only after the phone call. who would have thought some lady from california would wait up till 8 at night so she could call me at the other end of the world to say i've been admitted to their program? and i didnt know you could mask real phone numbers with extension numberss..i kept cutting the call cause i thought it was a nigerian prince. then she called my mom.then i picked up the phone. i had just come back from the puja after dipping in ice old water, i just wanted to melt in the hot tub water and this lady was asking if i had a few minutes spare? lol...anyways i said yes...i couldnt enjoy the moment properly because the whole time i kept thinking of the hot water in the tub and how this woman was keeping me away from it..
When all was said and done, i called up all the important people and conveyed the news.i kept thinking the whole day if i had missed someone..uh.uh.uh.
idk, my whole life i had always thought what it would feel like to have a dream that never seemed achievable, and that finally came true..all my life, i have come so close to such situations, but in the final moment something would happen and the dream would be snatched away.
finally it happened. when it did I didnt jump up and down like i hoped i'd, I just thought back and smiled. I guess that's how it is for everyone,..when youre so close to the finish line and you reach that point when you realise where this is going, the endpoint no longer feels like a surprise.
now new worries have started cropping up.will i get visa? ugh..how am i gonna explain the gap? how i am gonna compete with all these people?
everyone who i have met in the pgm cohort have worked at some big companies..like ms, sandisk, samsung etc with truck loads of experience..it feels overwhelming and scary that i'm going up against them, and then there are some idiots in these whatsapp groups who talk about grad school fail stories, and i get anxious..i mean the money i'm gonna throw down this drain is not small in any way..
no matter where i go, i have to come up with some copping strategies for these thoughts...i think of what siri told me long back after we attended that women in tech event, after she heard me speaking with divya...she said,..you have it kid,..you have it in you. you'll go places.you're wise beyond your years...that gave me the confidence to get on this journey..and now whenever i doubt myself, i go back and think of that,..if a much older person has such confidence in me, surely i must be worth something?even if i dont see it?
it really is tough to keep believing in your self, day after day, when you have a 1000 negative thoughts inside your head. and that's why i think one's greatest enemy is not anyone else, but one's own self.and if we cant keep our mind in check, it will drag us into rotten pit of regret eventually.
And this is what I've got to work on for now.