January 12, 2020


Dear Diary, I will not care about numbers anymore because all this time I counted dates wrong. I still dont understand how so many people so easily learn math and all these formulas because I did it just how I saw it. I dont know when I die (according to my birthday) and I dont understand why celebrities died at days they died. I just dont understand what numbers mean, should I read pervert books or why people laugh when they see some t-shirts with numbers?I will never grow up

Because of my depression I havent listened last three albums of band of my favorite person. I was searching their albums on youtube but didnt find anything. I am tired of music but not letting me listen his voice is so rude and unfair. I know he blames me for hating gays and not having job/not dating etc. But why internet blocks everything??!! They want me do die and never hearing his voice. Since 2017 I havent listened his band's music or downloading songs. It is very hard to watch only music charts once a month because if I start watching music videos everyday I will get back to where I was and it was utopia, I kissed everyone's asses and praised all idols just to be closer to their perfect world. 25 years I lived in front of tv but once they started sing bad songs about girls like me (white, fat,jobless etc.) I stopped and now I have no guidance in music industry because they bully me and boys/girls like me in every song. 

Today was a birthday of one of my idol's friend who made him gay. Its so painful that this boy has everything and his female versions always steal boys that I like and they all rich and have no problems. I cry every time I see my boy with him or that bitches but he always had bad taste so I try to pretend that all these assholes just his fans who went too far (their skinship and eyecontact are so disguisting). In the past when I saw how they touch or hug him I thought its asian culture where friendship is the most important thing. But then I started crying and now I loose oxigen if I see same gender skinship or photoshoots. Its very painful so I dont visit idols fanpages. I have no idea why I still care about this people after russian fans talked shit about me when I confessed to my idol. He is always with the crowd and never supported me when I needed help. Now he acts like he is dying but at the same time he doesn't let me love him because I am not fan mom or baby or idk how gay people call asexual girls who choosed them as the only person who to love. I know that almost all older men idols with the same personality died but what can I do to stop them if they already kill themselve by being gay? I think he shouldnt watch that stupid british series about blackhaired slut with drunk blond mother because when I dyed my hair blond in 2017 he acted like her and expected me to be his mother but I didn't know that he also compared his friend and his bigeyed bitch with her and for them he was like a real husband of that actress. Why he choosed them if he could be himself and just let me love him??! Probably because that slut and his so called best friends owns him and forced him to do whatever they want. I thought he will choose his own way but he still their personal toy. That british actress really responsible for his choices and I wish her husband (who is not like my idol!!!) Will do something to stop her transform normal men into gay assholes