November 29, 2019

 

Dear Diary,


Hi, so i don't usually write this way. i mean i write as if i am writing to a future me.I think i am going to stick with that, so

Dear Chloe,


today i wrote to you at the Starbucks because i didn't go to school. I had a terrible day yesterday, i had a panic attack in the school bathroom, i had two people ask me if i was okay and so i lied. but i called my friend and she calmed me down. I didn't go to class i dont know why. I am starting to feel numb and i know what is coming. It already has started, i was depressed all today then a hour ago magically better to better. FUCK I cant have this, i have work tomorrow and i am going. but my mood is elevating and that is so bad. I went through the self harm and the depression the anxiety, and panic attacks. My high is coming and i am scared it think, tho i want it that bad that feels better tho not all the time.
 I feel scared of myself cause at points i don't know what i am capable of. I cut myself so much and now i numb to it, which means i have to do it harder, deeper and more. i smoke, sometimes a lot. And now that i have had sex, i am already looking for new guys to fuck. To make a bad choice, but to be honest i want thos bad choices. I want to fuck, i am young and not in a relationship i want to have fun. 
I am tired but i don't want to asleep but i must, i have work and finals coming up. Fuck me i want to believe that i can fight for what i want. I want to study Biology and i feel as tho my family doesn't believe i can or that i want it. I love it i want to go into marine biology, study the ocean; its animals, the coral, the habitats, the new creatures, the plankton, all of it.


So to sum up, i am a bipolar whore ( maybe wannabe- what ever you think) who is a big nerd because i love biology. 

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