Dear Diary, from now I would like to write down my taughts and try to express my feelings which I can not do properly with others .
It is getting to point where I am emotionally tired , either to be myself or try to be someone else .
But the conclusion is that there is nothing wrong with myself , just I need to become better at being myself I guess.
My life details : I am from Portugal but i live in England and work in a Japanese restaurant where everyone is nice to me we all speak English and Japanese . But let me saying its tiring , I work 5 days a week like any other normal person but standing on my feet for around 10 hours slowly kills me as time goes . I am a waitress , and that is not the job I wish for myself forever and that leads to a fact about myself ... which is I stress everyday about what am I doing in my life , what is my career , what do I want to do , I often apply for jobs , specially recently I have been to a few interviews for cabin crew , but obviously nothing comes easy so for now I feel I should not give up on becoming a cabin crew .
I recently moved to my own place , its a shared house but I have my own space ,big room and own bathroom . I used to live with my mom and little sister , of course I miss them very often , but I got to move on somehow .
I have a boyfriend , he is Japanese in his last years of university in the north of Japan . Medical student ... that already sounds hard and you can have your own idea how this relationship kinda goes . We been trough ups and downs because not only of our different lifestyles and distance but more because of our strong personalities , well I would say his strong personality . That's also what I need to work on , be strong myself .
We broke up once I found out he was chatting with other girls online about sexual topics, things you only talk with your partner if you get me. At that time I was studying Japanese in his city and living with him for 3 months , I did my best working to make that happened so when this happened it was the worst pain I experienced so far . Things changed of course I believe people make mistakes only to realize how important what they had was so important that it is not worth losing for nothing or anyone and I believe he realized that .
Even he is doing his best now more than ever to make me happy of course I am always anxious it can happen again . And this leads to one of my current "work in progress" about myself ... My friend said to me (who also got cheated a bad few times ) he said " All you can do is trust and be prepared for the worst " Well , indeed .
It is hard to trust someone but at the same time prepare yourself in case you get hurt again right ? Of course I am doing my best trusting him , even with the scar of the past I got to take it has it is , in the end is all in his hands , and my life .... my life is in my hands , it has to be . I want it to be , not in anyone else's hands .
Love is complicated , way too complicated but we need it , we crave for it , we need that person .
Distance is not for everyone, and one thing you got to know about me even I'm many times not proud of it is that I'm an humble person , I put others first most of the times , I push and push to my limits to make someone I love happy, try to understand why of things, why this ...why that...why this happened, lets sort it out , we can do it . Until my mind, my heart and my body decides its enough and that is the time I know its not up to me anymore or it never was .
People say "what is meant to be yours , it will be ." "What is meant to be it never comes easy ." I do believe that .
I am Christian , and please don't think I am just one of them, I am a free woman who just puts her worries and life in Jesus's hands . For me, God is the only way, For my bad and good days. The salvation for when my time is up in this planet. I am still a normal 25 years old woman . Big dreams, qualities and flaws , which I know he will forgive me for if I put my heart into him and his words , his plan in my life is bigger than anything.
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I had 2 days off , I finally got to spend the whole day in bed , I forgot the last time I did that . I still feel tired and always with a headache , in the end my lifestyle is not good .
My goal is to for once and for all prioritize myself , get enough sleep , and actually take care of my priorities and what makes me happy .
I wrote about myself today , but there is so much inside of me I hope I can express by writing in here .
Good night , see you soon .
Ps: Tomorrow is a new day