Dear Diary,
Today has been day one of another bout of sickness from work (not my choice I would like to add). What a pointless day it has been. I couldn't sleep last night and finally drifted off around 3am, but that meant I didn't wake until about 11:30am today. I woke with that overwhelming sense of doom and pointlessness. What point is there now?... Usually I would wake up with the overwhelming fear of going into work and how I knew I wasn't going to go and do a job to the standard I should be doing and what everyone else expects from me. Today, life has just felt pointless. And because of that I lay in bed, trapped in my thoughts, until 4:30pm. I avoided a phone call with the mental health team - I was too fearful to speak, as I am almost every time they call. My head is filled with thoughts that they won't understand me and I won't know what to say. It's not in my nature to be able to express myself easily to others, especially strangers. My coping mechanism is to put on a facade and look okay to the outside world. I feel too vulnerable to expose myself to someone else. They called back at 4pm and I tried to engage in a conversation. It was okay, it wasn't good. I felt sorry for the man I spoke with, he sounded like he was at a loose end with me...what I was worried about. I know there's very little that they can say to make me feel any better, and part of the reason I fear speaking with people. I felt guilty for putting him in that position and impotency. It wasn't his fault that I am at a point of despair. I was not purposely trying to be obstructive but everything he said just sounded pointless. I told him what he wanted to hear in the end and we ended the call. I'm meant to be seeing my care coordinator tomorrow but I told him that I wasn't going to go. I told him that my interaction with her makes me feel so much worse and that I am fearful of how I will feel after that I just cannot do it. He sounded understanding but he also said that he wanted to talk to her about it - something I don't like the idea of. What will she think of me?!! I don't want her thinking that I have been talking badly about her.
However, I have tried to adhere to what he has asked me to do. I go out of bed and had a shower. Put my PJs back on, so not feeling fantastic about the achievement for the day but at least I am out of bed. I feel positively that I am writing on here. I read over some of my old posts from another anonymous blog that I had a few years ago (which unfortunately has closed down) and it's scary to read how consistent my problems are! But it also reminded me what a positive outlet writing down things can be. So from now on I am going to try and document my days on here. Granted, most will likely be bad and full on negativity but there may be the odd good thing in there too!!
I think I've come to the end of my flow now....finding it harder to keep myself concentrated on writing so think I am going to wrap up for the day. Plan for this evening is: try and play some computer games, try not to harm myself and refrain from taking drugs again. I am seeing my GP tomorrow, who is amazing, so I am keeping that as my focus and goal and trying hard not to focus too hard on the future.
Aura x