November 20, 2019

She was walking proof that you can have your soul in half and still navigate thru life beautifully...

I read that quote today and it gave me hope... 

Im tired... Exhausted.. Talking to my roommate last night that there are things im doing subconsciously to avoid my problems.. My inner turmoi... And what im doing isn't bad... But me avoiding my mental self... Thats not good... And so here i sit... On my couch..  In my coozy little apartment... I sit.. Admitting to myself that i need to need to gain some self control... And make a few changes for the better... I slacked an stopped working on myself... I stopped doing me for a minute... I need to pause.. Take a breath.. And go back to doing me... I need to stop.. And listen... I really need to think before i speak... But mostly importantly.. I just need to stop... Pause... Take a deep breath... Gice myself a chance to slow down and think... And somewhere n the last couple weeks i got a little side tracked an stopped focusing on the most important object in my life right now...

Me... 

And i realize that im coming to a fork n my road soon where im going to have to rain in some self control... And make a decision that I keep havibg conflicting feelings about... And i know what i need to do.. But despite that i already know what im going to do... Im just avoiding it like a plague........

Im also going to have to learn that no matter how much i want it... Pray for it.. Etc... I have to realize that me an my mom are never going to have a relationship... Shes not gonna respond back when i say love you... That shipped sailed when j was a child... And that right now is the hardest thing im processing... I just dont understand how ur read a text from your daughter.. Reading... "mom he was apyschoath with no remorse of human life... U have no idea the rhings that sick saddistic bastard did to me..." And not make any attempt to reach out to your daughter... To ask her if shes okay... Offer to lend an ear... Or maybe actually ask her what happened... Make sure shes okay... Not jus respond.. "Well i told you he was a goober"... 

It hurts... That hurts worse then anything he ever did to me... And it hurts more because mim a part of her... She gave me life... And she dsnt care that the life she gave me was almost taken from her... I know she loves me... And in any time i ever need a roof over my head shes opened her home to me... An i get that i competly ruined her reason to ever trust me again an i should be lucky shes even talking to me... But our relationship has been like this since well since as long as i can remember... 

So im going to find a way to move past the pain of her rejection...