November 18, 2019
Today.. Im proud of me...
So yesterday i spent some time an reread some of my past entries... I cried a little... I wrote down a couple upliftong posts to hang kn my wall n my apt so that i can look at them when i need those words of inspiration... I have made major changes in the month justin has been n jail... When i finally took a stand for myself... The injunction is final and good fora year... My bills are slowly but surely getting caught up on.. I have a roommate who understands what uve been thru an is able to not only deal with me but can see when im starting to think to much.. To get stuck n my head... When i start getting lost in my thoughts.. And jus simply asks me of im okay...
Ive started picking my broken pieces up on by one and putting them into some kond of organized clustet fuck... And piece by piece.. Day by day... Im putting myself back togethor... Yes things are still going wrong in my life... I have nightmares almost evrry night... I sleep with headphones on an music playing to try n help with it as much as possible... And the very few times ive missed him an wanted nothing more then to believe his jail emails telling me its gonna be different his changed an his sorry for everything he did to me... Said to me.. Exc.. I read thru some of my entri entries to remind myself of hiw he made me feel... How he manipulated me into thinking i deserved everything he did to me.. Said to me.. Put me thru... How he made me feel about myself... How scared i was in the end... How much i questioned of that was going to be my last day either by my own hand or by his... I love him still... But going an reading alot of my entries.. I realized something... Im an amazing person... Yea uve made alot of mistakes.. I have alot of flaws... I cuss... I berp
and the lost goes on...but if its one thing ive realized.. I am 💯💯💯 real... And i have given the shirt of my back to a complete stranger who needed it more then me...
I finally am truly startinf to feel beautiful not just on the outside but on the inside as well... And again i still struggle an i still have to remind myself.. But day to day... I dont have to keep reminding myself every moment.. Because I can feel the change.. The growth... And piece by piece may not look like much but when u go a few weeks... And u stop an take a look back from how the inner turmoil looked like an you look at the presents... Its beautiful and amazing an it feels like a huge victory... But again its something i still have to process... Still have to go back and look... Still have to remond myself that uve made major changes already and remind myself that its only going to keep getting better as long as stay focused and work on me.. And keep focused on the positive things that are going to change my life for the better.. Make me into the person i want to be...
And to know that even after the incident i had last night... Or the incident a few days ago that i felt not just embarrassed about but ashamed for myself... And hurt because i didnt want tk admit that what happened a few days ago was something im not cpmpelty ready for... And i knew that and i should have made boundries for myself but we live an we learn...
I know that even on my weakest day im getting stronger... Each day i notice something new about myself.. Akways positive.. Some days i learn something negative about me as well an i figure out what i need to change and bkw i need to change it into a positive...
Im gonna do amazing things in the near future... Im already doing amazing things now...
I have much more i want to write but i need to adult myself up an go look for a 2nd job...
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