Dear Diary,
You remember when i was in college, i used to think a lot, even after the college, i was thinking a lot. I used to ask myself, why do we live ? Whats my purpose ? What are the things i care about.
I used to read a lot of stuff too. I used to make everyday plan. you remember that half hour plans for entire day ?
Then i don't know what happened, something is lost somewhere on the way, i don't think anymore. I don't ask myself why do i live ?
I don't ask myself what's the future. I stopped questioning myself and started accepting whatever i am doing. I started being normal with everything. It could be because i am getting older, i don't know. But i feel that this way, i'll just live and die, just like others. and i remember the time when i dint want to be just like others(Now i dont know if i want to be or i don't want to be).
I wont discover anything, wont help anyone, do nothing good in the society, bring no change. I'll just live and die. earn and spend, eat and poop. And without knowing why...
Everyday is just passing and passing, and nothing seems to be actually moving. My knowledge, my courage, my curiosity, my efforts... It's all rather declining.
I know, once i wanted to be a writer, i told myself, that all these things which i am doing are taking me to my final destination, that one day, i would know better english, i would have better writing skills, and i believed in it. I believed that it'll all just work.
But its strange and scary, that now i don't even think about it. Even if a thought like this comes to mind, it just looses my attention immediately as if i have accepted that i can never become that.
Sometimes these days when i close my eyes and feel excited about something, i open my eyes and tell myself, don't do something, just in excitement, think what you really want ? what you are really good at. And then i just loose the attention and get back to the routine.
And the routine is bad.
Once again i have started feeling, as if i have so many responsibilities, because no one else seems to take care of it. I dont know, maybe i am wrong, maybe its just that i am bad at being responsible. I start shouting on people. And i feel like no one else is responsible. (Well in few cases, i think i am right, its very difficult to lead people without the motivation for something we want to achieve. I dont know how they work in bigger companies and manage thousands of people).
Thing is i am obsessed with the problems, and i would spend days, solving the same problem. In the end, only to know that i was doing small mistake all this time. That feel very disappointing. I feel like crap when that happens. And i realize that, thats why i am not the coder. I am not faad, i am not jayant. I am no CSC.. I am just a monkey coder, picking up codes from here and there and just making something with no guarantee and warranty. I feel so mediocre and i hate it.
Its also this reason, that nowdays i am very scared of picking up anything new. I am scared, that eventually i'll get stuck into it. And i'll feel horrible. I want to do safe things now. I am loosing my courage.
But i know that i have to get back. I remember the thing from bat man.
"Why Do we fall Son ? So that we can learn to pick our selves up".
I wont give up. And i'll find alternatives.
I'll study. I'll again start reading more. I'll start making my schedules again. I'll finish the course i started. I'll drop the things that matters least, and i'll pick up the things i know i can do.
Goodnight...