October 02, 2019
I miss being numb...
When i used it was because i didn't want to feel... I didnt want to remeber my past.. I didnt want to think about the things that happened to me as a child... I didint want to relive hearing and watching my mom get beat by my sisters dad.. Dont get me wrong i had alot of childhood moments... But as i grew up i dwelled on the worst... I never went to see a therapist until my twenties...i was already at this point using some kind of mind altering substance to live inside my head on a daily bases... To make what i appeared to everyone as a happy woman... When inside i was breaking apart more an more each day... I found a way... Well it was what i thought was a way to bury everything deep down inside where i thought it would disappear ontobthe abysse forever... When in realty i was makkng it so much more worse...
Now... I have daily victories and defeats... I have moments during my day when im on it... My mind is semi normally functioning. I can think... The simplest of things dont feel like they are going to be the destruction of me.. And something will trigger me and on my head its the end of days... The battle netween heaven an hell has broken out an hells winning by a landslide...and then thats when i start rediculing myself... And i get mad... I think worse names for myself then any other family member or man has ever called me... And let me tell you thays a veey extensive harsh list... And it gets worse the farther into my internal battle i get.. Even though the battle in full force in my head... On the outside it looks like ive comepetly shut down... I comeptly break down over the simplest task... I shake... I cant breath im on the verge of a full mental breakdown over something as simple as tripping over a phone cord... And then i start thinking of all the shit i need to do... While im battling myself... And belittling myself... And bye this time ive done or havent done something that should or shouldnt have been done that needed immidate attention... After a short time because i cant speak... I cant think... My throat closes up an it hurts to open my mouth... The external battle has begin... And i cant stop fucking everything up... I either competly shut down or i go into fight mode... I get loud.. I get angry.. I destroy eevery object in my path... And after awhile i just finally break an the fill panic sets in an im convulsing uncontrably for hours im so mentally exhausted from fighting myself i feel myself giving up... And i have to fight myself to keep going...
I miss being numb... I miss being able to snort a line an within a matter of minutes my brain (and eveythjng) else shuts down... And im not thinking of everythjng i need to or what im soing wrong... Or how i cant do anything right.. And im an idiot because i cant do anything right... Its like jykell and hyde... And to be comeptely honest with myself... I am my own worst enemy... Ive broken myself so far worse an into so many more pieces then anyone else has... Maybe not the worst but im so hard on myself...
And people tell me its easy just stoo.. Do what you need to do... No its not... I need a professional to go inside mynhead an help my break down the poison that has compelty taken over an infested my every waking and sleeping thought...this is not something i can just fix with a switch or cure over night... I have serious issues going on up there that are keeping me from functioning in any way shape or form on a daily bases.. And because i think an feel so little kf myself... I treat everyone around me the same.. And im the worst to the ones i love the most...
I sabotage every good thing that im blessed to have a chance with... I put my faith in the knes that treat me the worst...
But somehow someway... I find a way to make it another day...
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