September 30, 2019

Trying unfuck32 years of mind fuck from yourself... Your exes... Your family... Then add your mistakes... Alienating yourself from everyone... Trying to convince myself that im worthy of saving myself... Or allowing someone to risk their sanity to save me... Trying to make yourself not feel like your fucking everything you touch up... Trying to stay out of your head so that you can think flr yourself... Try not to beat yourself up because you know what you did you deserve to feel like you should alienate yourself from everyone an everything... Especially the one person that was there for you because they want you to be a better person... Because they for some sick twisted reason believe in you to find your self again... When your own parents who were the product of your creation... No one else gave more then passing glance ti make sure you were clothes an still alive... Why would this person who you havent had in your life so long... Who you fucked over an hurt time an time again... Who has their own rabbit hole they've gone down... And are trying to crawl out of... And your taking them so far down the shitty dark depressing depths of your rabbit hole...

How do you not beat yourself up every time you make even the smallest mistakes... You just want someone to pat you in the back am baby you for once an tell you that your doing at least half ass decent... Even though you made an million fucking mistakes to get that half ass decent thing right... But they wont because the fact is youve really done a number on yourself and the people around you and if you dont get your shit straight this time... You may not due tk your own sanity an constant self ridcule make it to live thru the next mistake...

But you know somehow you have to find a way... Because you want to be worth it... You want to be worth the fight it took to get you there... No matter how much right now you feel you are far from worth it... One day you know you'll thank yourself for finding a way to fight thru your own bullshit mind fucks from everything... And you'll be grateful for the pain you put urself thru for no reason... 

Because you finally foind a way to fight thru your own pain and guilt off all your wrongs and realize that you were the only thing you needed to remember that no matter what...

You are worth it...

So even though now your struggling to understand your own worth to yourself... Keep fighting... Dont give up on yourself... Tale baby steps if you have to...

Because Sara... Despite what youve allowed yourself to think... Tell yourself everyday you are worth it... And one day you will wake up an look into the mirror... And realize you finally made it out of your rabbit it..

And it was all worth...