All in all... Half in half...
I rescheduled my date with my friend from hs till tomorrow... I honestly wanted more time ith him... And I can be out more tomorrow then stuck in this tiny studio apartment...
This morning as per just about every morning and sometimes in the middle of the right when his feeling froggy... I have to hear how his sick of being around me... That I'm a lieing junkie pos... That he sees why my X beat me... Why I don't have friends an why no one wants to be around me...
I get I've made some huge mistakes in my life... Many I'm still trying to make right today... Some will take me years to make right... But I'm not a junkie anymore... I've come a long fucking way in a year an a half... And yes I've made mistakes with him.. My biggest was I lied... I get it an nothing is going to make up for what I've done... I'm not going to try an right the wrong I did... I'm just going to better myself... And it kills me inside... It hurts me to know I've fully come to the realization that as much as his helped me grow in my recovery... His now becoming a hindereson to it... And I realize the reason his so hateful when his angry is because I hurt him... We had. Connection like no other... Our demons clicked... I mean really clicked... I mean we would laugh for hours... Our souls laughed... And I ducked it all up by living to him... About shit that I didn't have to lie to him about... Yes I fucked it up... But that doesn't mean I have to put up with the verbal or other abuse that comes with it...
And I realized tonight the reason I stay busy.... The reason find something around the apartment to do... Hand wash other... Dishes in the kitchen... Cook something... It's because I'm trying to stay away from him hen his in a good mood... Because I don't want to hear his sweet talking words... Or pretend to get along with him hen in realization it's me whose tired of being around him... And I'm not tired of being around him... I'm just tired of the back an forth an the fighting that has come between us... From us... I no longer want to share what I'm thinking ith him... I don't want him to know hen I'm hurting... I don't want him to see I'm struggling... That man has more of my heart that I've ever given away besides to my kids an my dog... And at one time he deserved every broken piece... But now... Whether it's my fault or not... As much as I wish I could unlock him I can't... And he dosnt deserve any of it... But I can't take it away... I can't unlove him... I can only know my worth... An no what I deserve and don't deserve... And know that after all the abusive relationships I've been in... I realize now it's time to throw in the towel... It's not going to get better.. It's not going tochange.. I lied to him... I have to live with that... But because of that... He will never be able to trust me again...
Bottom line... I need to focus on me... I'm the one that lost everything... Lost everyone... I'm the only one that's going to earn everything back... Earn everyone willing to give me another chance back...
Now on the other hand... I'm going to have an amazing day tomorrow... IDK what this is going to lead to... Or where it's headed.. But the fact that he makes me laugh is a bonus... An even though I haven't seen him since hs... He was always a good soul even then... You know hoe you can watch people interact ith others and just be able to feel if there soul is good or bad... I have. Good soul I've just made really shitty choices... Justin has a really good soul... He just has made just as shitty choices as me... Friend from hs... I don't know what choices his made and it doesn't matter... He seems to be doing better then me... But he has a good soul... I'm interested in getting to see into his soul better... And I know if nothing else... Ill atleast have a really good friend out of this... And at this point in my life... I need food friends because at thirty two years old... Good honest friends isn't something I've had the opportunity to introduce into my life very often... An the few I did have... I ran off because of my habit...
I'm finally getting this adulting thing down after so many failures an Fuck ups... Now if I can just land a job...
Seems I'm one of those that has I learn the hard way... But whatever it took... However far I had to fall... I haven't lost me yet... Well atleast I haven't lost all of me yet...
And yes the answer to the she d question is it is better to have loved an lost... Then to not have loved at all... I broke my own heart... But it's giving me power I never need I had in myself... And I'm learning how to pick up my own pieces instead of depending on someone else to pick them up for me...
I'm learning to love myself even more then before... I'm getting comfortable in my own skin... All because I broke myself and found a way to glue myself piece by piece back together....
I sti have aong road ahead of me... But I get to choose who makes that journey with me... And who gets to get off at the next stop... My biggest step was finally admitting to myself and I've known this for days it was just a matter of really coming to terms with it... Really fully admitting it to myself... That while persons journey with me missed his exits a hile back... And that's been one of my biggest problems in my relationships... All of them... Is just not letting them off at their exit when it's time or even past time until it's way to late an we are across country... I will not do that to myself or another person... It's not fair to either of us... Or to ourselves
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