Dear Diary,
Though i am feeble and dizzy for today's exhausting hectic day, I can't sleep. I think i am going to stop reading the crime section in the New York Times, for i have lately been quite apprehensive about the safety of my neighboorhood. A few minutes ago, i heard a strange noise coming from downstairs. It was as if someone was trying to prise the main entrance door open in a rather quiet way. The reasonable thing would have been i have leaped out from the bed, walked silently over my mom's bedroom, and told her what i have heard. Yet, the shuddering fear taking possession of me as i listened meticulously for other strange noise somehow kept me from acting quick. I was probably hallucinating as a result of my incessant thoughts my family and i are in imminent danger. I have been hearing odd noises at night for the past weeks. My hear has just now given a leap of fear at the noise of the air conditioning turning on. Maybe, my father is right about me going crazy. Maybe, reading too much is having a detrimental impact on my mental health and i am just losing my mind. I have an eclectic taste in reading. Thus, reading about people being heinously murdered, girls being raped, killed and thrown in dumpsters afterward and pretty much living in a country where you aren't safe even at your house has made me quite mentally deranged. There is this grim premonition of me being abducted, tortured, and killed always wondering in the back of my mind when i am alone anywhere. Right now, I can't stop myself from glancing compulsively at the locked door and wishing i have a knife with me. When you don't live with your father, the family protector, and no one has superseded him, you feel this gnawing feeling you aren't safe anymore. Again, I have just heard a weird noise coming from outside. I am terrified. My whole body is trembling and beads of sweat are dripping off my forehead.
I hate myself for being coward and pathetic. Lying awake in a state of alarm and sheer terror makes me wonder whether my mom also feels like we are in danger. Maybe, someone has been watching us for months, memorizing the hours we turn on the lights in the morning and turn them off at night, planning the perfect day to come and do whatever he has in mind. I wish i could stop anticipating deathly jeopardy for my family and me but it is so impossible when innocent and vulnerable people are always being killed. I don't think i am going to be able to fall asleep tonight, i am just so petrified to doze off. I will read a utopian book where everybody is happy and safe. Maybe, it will alleviate my apprehension and I'll get some sleep.
If i keep like this, I'll have to see a psychologist.