August 02, 2019 MY writing

Dear Diary,

It's been a while. These weeks have left me lonely and conflicted. But, strangely not unhappy. Given that I'm someone who appreciates space, my alone time has given me a lot of things to think about.I'm sure about a career in writing, but what I am aware of is that my skills require a decent amount of polishing. I always feel that my skills lack that final touch of lustre that makes it sparkle. And I wonder if I could ever create a work that could shine. I look at things I wrote and it's either amazing or awful. I just can not find a middle ground or detach myself from it entirely. It's just so hard to be critical and appreciative of it at the same time. Sometimes I just want to edit, edit and edit it until its good enough. Sometimes I look at it ask if it ever works that's worthy of editing or someone's precious time. I sometimes wonder, If I am really wasting everyone's time and sometimes I suspect if I am suffering from some type of anxiety. Maybe it's just some sort of paranoia that artists suffer but when someone asks to see my work I freak the fuck out. I cannot give or push myself to share my work as I always think it's going to be heavily scrutinised and wonder what's the point in sharing.I'm sure it doesn't deserve anyone's time. I know I need to. develop more confidence and trust in my work, but I'm ususre of how to get there. I love writing but I'm also terrified of it for some reason. Do you think I should get some form of help or something?