Dear Diary, It's been a little over a week since my last entry and not much in a good way has transpired. I've had more downs in the last month or two than I have had in a while. Im So over all of it. Times like this I understand my cousins decision to end it all. I would never because I understand how it affects others. It's been nearly 10 years and it still hurts my heart. His death broke my soul. Everyday is a battle for me and I'm just a younger cousin, his kids are in complete disarray, drug abuse, crime, incarceration, the same sad story that plagues so many fatherless POC (people of color). Suicide is not the way for me, but definitely more understood when life hits as hard as its hit me in the last two months. Working in corporate America hasn't helped. I often wonder if there are studies on the psychological affects of being a minority in the corporate world. I feel like I suffer from PTSD from the constant misplaced expectations, assumptions on my character and the passive aggressive wars waged each day. Ive come to start to retreat within myself with fear of persecution for being me! I grew up with belief that working hard, being well intended and taking accountability for your actions was enough to live a prosperous fruitful life, but in corporate America unfortunately that's not the case when you are a minority. Its exhausting trying not to intimidate corporate white America and still remain true to yourself. Being direct and speaking passionately about work when you are a minority is seen as threatening and hostile, your falsely and unjustly labeled as combative by the same people that disrespect and try to use intimidation tactics as a way to assert authoritarian rule. I've noticed that I have massive anxiety regarding meetings or one on one situations. I know it's not a healthy environment for me any longer and hasn't been for a while. I've got to find a new position or possibly go back to school. I just know something had to change. I'm a hard worker and take great pride in working, I'm independent and have been since I was about 14 years old. I have always enjoyed working, but for the first time in a long time I find no joy in my work. I have to figure it out. Everyone has a breaking point after all Even my strong, loving, hardworking cousin that meant the world to me, broke. I know I havent hit mine yet, but know it will come sooner than later if I dont make some changes
regarding work.
Writing it down does help.
Until later.