Dear Diary,

It's 8:55 am in the morning.

I am writing about yesterday.

If you know that I wrote about that I texted him and apology message it he did not saw the message the whole day then I found a blue tick when I went to the gym earlier yesterday because I was supposed to go for 2 meetings. So, I went to the gym around 4 p.m.

I wanted him to call me but I thought I should call him, I want to protect this relationship so I called him around 5:30 p.m. he answer the call and said he is in the meeting so I said ok and he said he will call me back later , I asked him to call me after 8:30 p.m. as I am heading out as I have meeting asdigned from 6:30 pm,

when I came back home around 9:00 p.m. I did not receive any call from him, I thought he might be busy but I I called him he did not answer I waited for 10 more minutes and I call him again and then he answer and he was not in the mood of talking, he said it I am not in that zone I don't want to listen anything, I don't want to explain anything but we talked for 1 hour.

There were also things he said bad about me , I am trying to sort it all, trying to convey things to him but he is very rigid... He is in that zone, he said he need to rethink, thank you for giving or taking so much time, I got to see this side of yours, I am thankful to you that you got drunk yesterday so that I can see the side of yours and what not he said like very mean things to me as well , I didn't want to respond to anything right now.

He also don't realise it that whatever has triggered me whatever I said whatever the outburst was coz of something he said and it was because he was threatening me to break this marriage at this point , so I can also be hurt right. I wanted to sort out things so I kept listening I didn't not respond but I also felt bad but I said it's okay because it's my mistake and I want to fix this - alliance and I want this alliance to work so I heard everything he said.

Let's see where it goes, I hope he makes his mind for the good and want to stay in this relationship and I can make things right if he gives me a chance.

But also I know that it also made me think if is he the person I want to marry, he is so rigid with everything, he is keeping his egos so high , he is not trying to listen me or understand my point, he is very adamant that you cannot control me, you cannot change me, you cannot force things out of me... so I don't know what to say, all I wanted was like some care from the side , some sweet conversation that day from the starting he is very egoistic no doubt in that he accepted it but he is like how can anyone say anything bad about him.

I don't know if all these things can be fixed or not but I want to fix it, I think I should stop drinking or I will stop drinking because I create great mess around me everytime and this time like I made a blunder and I'm very anxious right now. I'm not in a good mental state, I did not eat anything yesterday not a single bite of any food and that's why my body was acting like that at the night the body was shivering and but I don't know whom to talk what to say I cannot say this to my parents as well and I wanted to sleep but it was not possible for me to sleep also so I had a melatonin, closed my eyes and I played something on my mobile phone and I try to sleep and maybe I fall asleep already I was tired I was starving and I had a melatonin.

I woke up around 4:45 a.m. in the morning and I was like it is to early to for me to wake up but I wasn't able to sleep again like all the same thoughts running in my mind I am not okay, I want to sleep I playedbthe bhajan on my phone but it did not help I slept again around 6:30 a.m. , I played some other Bhajan and that helped me to sleep

and I don't know that I am so sleepy right now I want to sleep whole day I will sleeping for me it is an escape from the real world,vactually so I sleep and sleep, I just sleep and sleep everytime because I won't be feeling okay I have a lot of work to do today but I do not in the that mind today, maybe I will spend my day sleeping.

I don't know what kind of person I wanted in my life I don't know if he is like that or he isn't like that obviously.

I know this well but I am ok with it also l I want this alliance to work.

I hope he do not forget all the good days we have spent, he do not forget about what about he was saying to 3 days before to me, one bad day cannot change my entire personality, he cannot make any perception about me just because I was at my bad behaviour or judge me from that to one day and forget about rest of the day when he was only the person he saying that he is very happy with me ..

I hope everything get back to normal and for better. 🤞🏻

Icee19's Dear Diary