Dear Diary,

I talked to Kemper last night. It was so hard to do. I told him I wasn’t happy and just felt alone and like I didn’t belong here.

He asked why I felt that way.

I told him that he keeps me at such a distance and I feel completely dependent on him. I then said that I was thinking about leaving.

He said he wouldn’t stop me but he didn’t think it was a good idea.

I told him that I could take care of myself and I already knew what he was thinking after I said that. I told him that it wouldn’t have to be like last time.

He asked what would I do then?

I didn’t really know.

It kind of got heated a little because he just shook his head and it kind of made me mad. Who is he to tell me what I am capable of?! I even said that and he responded that no matter what he said I would do whatever I wanted to do.

Isn’t that how things work?! He isn’t my dad. I said that and he said thank God he wasn’t! Which completely pissed me off!

He apologized and said that he meant that I’m stubborn as hell and would probably never learn to take any good advice or help from anyone. What the fuck, how does he assume he is the answer to my life?!

I started crying so I went to bed. I hate crying! It always makes me feel worse.

He came into bed after I had been asleep and said he was sorry and that he thought he was helping but if I am that unhappy he wasn’t going to stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

I asked him why does he want me here?! I feel like I am just a charity case for him. He kissed me before I could keep talking. It was a really long nice kiss. He told me I’m not charity and that he wants me. I said that he doesn’t act like it and he said he is acting like it. Then he grabbed me and held me and asked me not to go, that he didn’t want me to. He nuzzled his face into my neck and he smelled wonderful! How do you stay mad at him?!?! We kissed some more and then we feel asleep talking to each other. It was so late when we fell asleep.

You know all the advice where you shouldn’t alter your life over a boy? Well here I am rethinking everything and altering my life to be with him. Except this bad decision doesn’t feel like a bad decision. But doesn’t every girl say that when they rearrange their life for a boy?!

Granted he really isn’t a boy and he does treat me well. Not once raised his voice or hit me or made any unwanted advances. I know I am being way too hard on him and expect more. I just didn’t like feeling like a room mate but after our talk last night, I know he doesn’t see me that way.

He did agree to us sharing a room and bed together. So there is progress there.

I question all of this because I really don’t know what is normal or suppose to happen.

I guess I will just have to see how this goes and if it changes how I have been feeling lately.

Birthdayplanner1's Dear Diary