Can I keep a habit?

My longest habit is procrastination. Does that count? Who am I kidding? my longest habit is masturbation. I've spent almost half my life on that. I will never know how much better and more enjoyable sex would be if I never did so much of that. Definitely I would tremble more at a woman's touch; I'll have much more intense orgasms, I'll be a lot more innocent; My eyes would glow a lot more from my innocence; I would be a lot better; a whole lot better.

If I get married today, there would be nothing special about sex with my wife. I won't seek it out, I don't have a lot of libido left - the nerve endings have been dulled out by too much friction.

Maybe I can regain some of that feeling before I get married, but not so much. How much time do I have? I'm far from ready for marriage. If I go one year without having an orgasm, my sex with my wife would be a lot better. I'd forget all of my current experiences and it would be a fresh start. I won't compare her with any one else because I just don't remember, and she would be my best.

But who can go one year? Me? Weakling me? I laugh in shame. Let's move on please.

Yesterday I did the 2 things I planned to do. I prayed alone for 15 minutes. Can you believe I've not really done that a lot since last year. It's been a year! Maybe I've not even done it at all. I'm in hell, and Jesus came right inside to help me. I'll be out of it, but I don't know when but surely he won't leave me here. For now, as long as I can see him in hell, I'm fine. Heaven is wherever Jesus is.

I also did write in this diary. Like I'm doing now. So, we have 100% progress and success so far. Great. 1 day streak.

Habit today:

no masturbation
15 minutes standing or kneeling in prayer
writing in this diary

It's taking a lot of courage to add 'no masturbation' to the list of habits I want to fight. I think I should remove it. Yesterday I said I'd start focusing on what I want to do rather than what I don't want to.

But am I removing it for that reason or am I just running because I'm scared? Which habit can replace masturbation?

Keepamericasafesite's Dear Diary