Don't know why I feel like crying more and more, feeling guilty for the things I haven't done, it's festival season, they bring joy and new feelings, blessings but for me they always have been a headache, I always have to lookout for not facing a family drama on the festivals, hoping every second that things go well. But no, not in this lifetime, every festival comes with a family reunion and new drama. For just once I want to enjoy a peaceful festival with real joy and blessings.

In the past for me festivals are a huge thing dressing up, laughing, playing, meeting up with relatives, but not the same anymore, I don't want to dress up, laugh, or meeting with relatives. They just feel like any other day, busy with stuffs and things.

I want to have a good time during festivals, with my loved one close to me, happy and giggling. Too much to ask for.

Although I don't have the loved one close to me. The joke my life have become is remarkable. Sometimes I really want to end up my life, but a single hope of something good coming to me kept me alive for last two decades.

It feels like having a emotional heart is really hard in this world, no one really cares of what is going through someone, and expect them to be happy. Make there life a living hell and expect to respect them whole heartedly. Not too much to ask for.

Alright, hopefully year end with something good.

Happy Diwali

Zwart's Dear Diary