Dear Diary,

Ive been watching this recommended video on youtube where random strangers get asked of their secrets as I asked myself what i would share if i was on that spot, being interviewed.

Recently ive been contemplating whether or not to quit my job and to break up with a guy im not in love with. Admittedly, ive been blaming myself for being incompetent, having no control in my life as i frequently question myself how i get stuck in these situations. In reality, people do have a habit of underestimating my capabilities, so me being hard on myself became a reflex as i grew up.

I had flashbacks of my childhood and all the darkest things ive went through alone. All this time i thought ive been open to my friends, turns out there was still this side to me that i havent explored for such a long time now. Its all caged in the back of my brain, slowly lingering when anxiety attempts to lure my attention. Its the part where all the past traumas and events were stored since childhood. I never faced these events until this last twenty minutes before i started writing this entry. I never realized how ive gone through them, how come no one knew i struggled alone, how come no one noticed.

Now at 18, everyones wondering how ive become so independent of my thoughts and feelings, maybe it was because i learned how to suffer silently, since i was young.

To be fair, at a young age i didnt know how to articulate such events or even what i was feeling at the time, but looking back now i know that at times when everything seems worse for me, i have to acknowledge that there will be some experiences worse than them, and in those times the only person i have to cherish the most is myself.

I havent learned how to fully love myself, i acknowledge that its a long journey. But to you whos reading this, i hope that in times where you doubt yourself, you remember that youre here now because you chose the best options served to you. Youre doing your best, give yourself some credit.

Kiyotakaayanokoji 's Dear Diary