I feel pretty good. It's been over two weeks. Things sting still when I think of them, but they sting less. I think of them less. I'm more stable. More consistent. More at peace. It's what I've always wanted.

I walked with Cass for over two hours yesterday. We talked about life. I'm glad I have her as a friend. I've been abundantly clear with my intentions with her. It's all strictly platonic and I get no vibes from her. It feels great to just have a friend I can open up to and be vulnerable with but without the codependency. Honestly I've never had a friend like this. Vulnerability and emotional intimacy have always been exclusively with partners. It's one of the big reason I get so attached, so co-dependent. They become my only source of connection and outlet. When that happens, it becomes this constant push and pull for me. This feeling of neediness that I hate but that keeps me around. I push away but always come crawling back because they are the source of relief. But they're often the source of pain. I've always lacked that stability outside of romantic partners. I've always lacked stability with self.

Cass talked about how Izzy is her home base. She compares all relationships to Izzy. Romantic or platonic, Izzy seems to be the baseline. The bar. The standard. My home base has always been romantic partners, to the point they become a crutch. Without them, I feel lost. I feel like it's so hard to be vulnerable and emotionally supportive man to man. I think it's also why I crave attention from women so much. I think this friendship with Cass can be a wonderful thing. It can be proof that I can separate emotional intimacy from romantic intimacy. It can help relinquish some of the unhealthy pressure and weight I feel for connection in romantic settings. It's non-romantic stability that improves my life on an emotional level. It's vulnerability without obligation. It is a genuinely positive friendship. It is healthy.

Polar's Dear Diary