Dear Diary,

I had a horrible morning. Because of our troubled past, I should have left my husband. He did so many things, broke my trust so many times that I should have left. Because I am too paranoid to stay and he is too violent, selfish and mean to see my feelings about the situation. Or, I am just beginning to think that what psychiatrists say about having a relationship with a narcassist, espeically one with an addiction is true: All you can do to solve the problems they create is RUN!!

And I should have. Because this morning when I woke up and I think things are off, that he has been doing something wrong, I got upset. And, for some reason....since he has been "honest" for a few months now, (and Im sure he knows he has a visible lie detector above his head that tells me he is telling the truth) and has actually done some things for me (this was a guy who wouldnt even bring a coffee out for his "wife" when he went in and got one for himself and knew I had nothing to drink...only because I didnt verbally tell him I wanted something ....but then I didnt know he even had money or the ability to get something...)

Well, during the conversation he decides to strangle me. And 5 months ago I had my bones replaced in my neck with carbon fiber. But thats they great guy I have, the one who claims he is changing and didnt do anything wrong. Then he leaves. When he comes back to be more demanding with me, because of course this guy wants everything, hes entitles to everything...he even physcially threatened me for my cigarette....because he didn have one. It wasnt me that smoked everything I had the night before, that was him. But, somehow I should give what I have to him and if I dont he going to take it.

And this shit has gone on so long I would rather die than give him anything I had, even my last cigarette and the first of the morning. So since he didnt get what he wanted he boots our only nice thing, our labtop, puts five holes in the drywall (that he is too unskilled to fix but thinks he can). Today, today I think I saw him for the person he is. And I dont like him at all. A lazy unskilled person who would bully people into things he feele entitled to for no reason.

Like he walks into my house when I first met him. I feel like he thinks because I was stupid enough to let him into my house he now feels entitled to everything I have and own for the rest of my life. This is a man who has done the bare minimum for me for four years or more now. I have actually been on one date with a man and had him do more for me than this man has done in years.

And then he tells me Im not even a woman anymore this morning and I believe those are the words which lost and closed my heart off forever from him. But, at least theyre not going to make me mourn or miss him and I dont think I will if we werent together.

All he is really is a headache. He has just made my life so bad that now it is hard to dislodge my life from his. I actually haver no one in my life to turn to or go. I really think that, after today, I dont want to be together. I really dont care what happens to him because I dont think he cares at all what happens to me.

And now hes trying to fix the dryeall he fucked up in the only place we had to stay at. Of course hes doing half ass bullshit. I never expected him to do a good job. For some reason my head hurts, like he pulled my hair or something. This is a really terrible day now because of him, but then now I know why he has had everyone in his life leave him.

At first I felt bad for him and thats the problem. I feel bad for his struggles. I forget that he really deserves them. He is a terrible, mean person when he wants something he feels he can take it, the world owes him, he is entitled. I feel like every word out of his mouth is a lie and Im sure it is. Nothing is the truth to him OR the truth to him is....as long as it comes out of his mouth it is the truth.
Once we were working for a man who, while paid us little to nothing at times and wasnt the greatest guy, still helped us out at times.

Well my guy was in a position where he could steal some things from the store. They were damaged inventory, some of them slightly (and of course thats a major excuse how and why he could steal them) but other things he had no right to and they were fairly expensive. Well, when he showed them to me he pretended one of the workers on duty had stolen them and given them to him. (But had he stolen it would have been worse because the workers on duty would get blamed for his offense).

Well for the next month I kept asking him, as these thefts happened each time after he did his clean up for them, if he was the one stealing them, not the workers. He denied it, at times getting really angry with him for not believeing him. Sometimes he even screamed in my face for accusing him when he had done nothing wrong.

Months later I go to the cash register to pay for somthing. One of the workers tells me that my husband should admit what he did in stealing things because they have him on tape and another worker is getting blamed for what he did. Well since this is about 3 years into our marriage, he had lied a million times before, was "trying to not lie, and somehow accomplishing thus task" (while all the while lying)....I was devestated. I started to cry. He, to me, would always be the same liar that he always was.

I really dont know how or if the retard will get better and I know that it doesnt help I now call him a retard, a lair, or a scumbag but he is. I actually thought it would help him chnage realistically seeing the person he was. I think I am just an idiot who stayed with one of the most horrible, lazy man I have ever met.

You know what I get for my birthday each year? A promise for something, anything, I would honestly be happy with something he salvaged from the garbage. You know what I have gotten each year? Nothing.

Wait, once for months, I made him promise to do somthing for me. So, he promised to write me a letter. One oclock in the morning the day before my brithday and I know he hasnt written it yet. So I remind him because I know, if he didnt write it, I would leave him and I didnt want to. Why? I dont know. I think, after him, I dont want to have to deal with anyone new, worried they would be even harder to deal with than him. Who knows?

Well, he wrote it. But, out of anger (which he denies purposely doing this) he wrote in the words girlfriend, rather than wife.

We havent had sex in a long time together. And with what he said this morning I dont want to have sex with him either. Because while I may not be a woman to him he has definetely never been a man to me. When I think of who would come and save me if I was in trouble...I would either have to save myself or no one comes, that is how our past has been. So, when it comes down to it, if I am not a woman to him anymore it is only because HE HAS NEVER taken any role of being a man to me. He has pushed me to be the one to take care of both of us...I mean look at the way he is, destroying the place we are barely able to stay at...this woman is a bitch and helping us out (by twisting her arm, she doesnt want to) and he goes and destroys it....he never saves me from anything, if anything I have to save myself, dont get saved...but really, I need to be saved from him. I want to be a woman to some man. A man who takes care of me, where I can rest my head on his shoulder....when it comes down to it I hate my life with him. There were times I was so sad I actually wanted to kill myself and once, when we were firs together, I tries. I never actually thought I could slit my wrist but I did do it. And good and deep. Never did I think I was capable of self harm like that. But, with him I am. I dont know if I thought I had to stay with him because it was my alst chance, what. And now hes trying to fix this drywall he ruined and he cant....but he can sit there and ruin it. Who is that dumb that they sit there and ruin things they cant fix? This is my life and this is him. Do you really think there was ever any change at all?

Shel Bick's Dear Diary