Dear Diary,

I’m stuck on crushes. Everyone seems to have them and they all seem so sure. They KNOW who they like- it’s clear. And for me? I have no idea. I don’t know the difference between a good friend and a crush and it’s hard. I’m a girl, and I’ve liked this girl, my best friend, for maybe half a year. I think. I thought I was pretty set. But now I’m not so sure. I’ll call her Olivia. I’ve never been good at figuring out who I liked. Did I like them, or just think they were interesting? I don’t know. Olivia, I feel like I was OBSESSED with her. Honestly. My diaries were FULL. And now I’m questioning if I ever really liked her. She’s incredibly pretty, sporty, really cool, great style, smart, really nice. All that stuff’s great. But I don’t know if I could picture myself with her. It’s probably because I can’t picture myself with anyone. It’s so hard for me or believe that anyone would ever want to date me. Olivia is a great friend. But she would never like me more than that.. I don’t think. So it’s just so hard to picture anything.

And now it’s been two months into school, and me and Olivia don’t have any classes together until the end of the year. I still see her for an hour and a half every day though and we message all the time. Anyway. Two months into school. In my geography class there’s this girl, Allora. She reminds me so much of Olivia. And she’s so confident and outspoken and it’s so cool. She’s really pretty too. I feel butterflies around her and I’ve never said a word in person to her before. I’ve added her on instagram which took courage. I messaged her on there and said that it was me from geo. She said hi and asked how I was doing. It was nice.

But then there’s this guy who asked me to hang out with him a few weeks ago after school and I did. All of my friends told me it was totally him asking me out. They don’t understand how much that really annoys me. I don’t need their pity, I know that nobody would ever really like me. I mean, look at myself. He walked me home that night. He was nice. I don’t know how I feel about him yet.

And THEN there’s this girl in my gym class, Ella. She’s my closest friend in the class. She’s super cool and I feel this connection with her and it’s weird. She’s really pretty too. She acts in ways that are just.. cute. She makes me feel good about myself, and she’s so fun to be around. I feel really sad when she’s away from school. And maybe it’s a friend thing?

Sometimes I’ll think maaayybe I’ve dropped the Olivia thing. But then sometimes she’ll make a post online and I’ll look at it and think “omg she’s so cute”. Not even pictures of her, just the things she says in them. Her brother raised the tires on his car and she posted about it saying “shit looks good” @ing her brother. Idk I just love how she is so much in love with cars. I don’t know. And today I messaged happy halloween to her with a pumpkin emoji and she sent back “happy spooky day 🎃👻” why did I think that was so cute? Idk.

So yeah! Who do I like! I have no idea!!!!

Eleanor ♡'s Dear Diary