Dear Diary,

My dad asked me today why I won't smile more?

But it's not like I can just smile all the time when I don't actually mean it, right?

My relationship with my parents is not bad but it's not good either.

I love them for sure but sometimes they just crossed the line. Especially my mom.

One time, she just got angry and curse me out. Do you want to know for what exactly she's mad?

She told me to cut some vegetables and a few more ingredients for Eid.

And to be honest, I'm not that good at cooking but I'm really excited at the time because we're making one of my favourite dishes.

Turn out that I cut some of them not like how she wanted and yeah, she just lashed out really bad at me saying that I'm being stupid and hit me too.

I despise that day so much, I can't bring myself to eat that dishes anymore.

Why would I intentionally do something that would make me in trouble? Can she just think of that rationally?

Her words really break my heart. Really.

And each time when I start to curse, she will ask me who taught me to be rude.

I would love to say she taught me some of them.

To this day, our relationship is just the same I guess. Sometimes I just want her to thank me for my effort.

Hug me or just say she loves me. It's not like I demand her apology that much, just want to be appreciated more.

I'm twenty now but still can't have my freedom. She treats me the same, nothing change.

I would love to tell them that I feel depressed most of the time, I got anxious too.

But I'm sure they will just say that something's wrong with me somewhere tho.

They're not exactly open-minded and not like I want them to know at this point.

If I can't just unlive my life without suicide, I would gladly do it.

I want to be happier for myself.

Never thought that I would be this way now.

Everything I do is just wrong to them.

And God, my mental health is way worse at home compared to when I stayed in the hostel.

I just hope I can get out and go to a peaceful place far from home.

Love me.

A.B.Lo's Dear Diary