Dear Diary,

I sent her a letter and it was about whether I wanted to be friends or not and that was a couple days ago. We were supposed to talk about it yesterday, but she got busy with friends or something, so we weren't able to. Was supposed to be talking about it today, she said something about talking about it while she's in school because she might take a nap afterwards because she stayed up really late anyways, I don't even know what I want out of this compromise, and I've been thinking about it so much, but I don't see how I can get what I want without doing the things she doesn't want me to do, and it seems like it's going to be an unfair compromise and cause a rift between us, so I'm kind of worried about it, and I feel like calling off the discussion about it for a while could be a better option just to see how things pan out. Maybe it's just time to cut ties and not be friends, I don't like that idea, but we both want a relationship, and the issue is how far away that time is and the conflict is what we are to each other during between now and then. I understand that she doesn't want a relationship with me right now, but I also don't want to be just friends, and I honestly can't abide by friendly rules when she's in my life, I just can't see her as a friend, or treat her like one, and every single time we talk, everything that I wanted to do, happens to break the rules that she set between us for our friendship, and it's so hard not to break those rules, and sometimes I just do it anyway, and don't give a fuck what happens afterwards. I don't know, this is all so difficult to deal with. Going back to the letter I sent, though I pretty much gave her the choice to be more than friends, but not like a relationship status, but the other option was not being friends at all and maybe just completely ending things, and pretty much immediately, she chose to be some kind of friendly relationship and work out some compromises with me or something, and those compromises are the things that I'm trying to figure out, like what stuff am i going to suggest or what things will I be able to do that she's OK with or maybe she'll just say shes okay with something but not like when I do it, and it's gonna be such a mess. this isn't the how relationships are supposed to be this, this is so complicated, but I don't know, this is a really special situation. And I don't know how to handle it.

Iwanttochange's Dear Diary