Dear Diary,

In all honesty I am in the worst mental shape of my life. I have never felt so lost or so fucked up than I have been for these past few months. I am so tired of pretending and telling people how “ok” I am. I have so much resentment in my heart that I am trying deeply to let go of. I don’t even know how to feel better anymore. Everyday is the same cycle of acting like I’m all good and happy, but then when everything from the day settles and Im alone, I just fall into this void of wanting to die. Im so tired of my mood and mental status flip flopping from being medially ok to then feeling like I’m nothing. I literally hate everything about myself. I hate the way I look, the way I feel and just the way I am in general. I am literally a shitty person inside and out. Im a crappy parent, a shitty gf, and a shitty friend. I almost killed myself a few months ago because I’m just tired of living in all honesty. I really wish this shit would all just end. The three people that keep me here are my kids and my best friend. Nothing is enjoyable anymore… I just feel like I’m living through a black and white lens where you see things that SHOULD make you feel something, but yet they just never do. It’s like being thirsty and never being able to quench the thirst. I have no idea why I’m so unfulfilled with my life when I should be happy because I have everything I’ve ever worked for? What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me?

Schweitzersociety's Dear Diary