Dear Diary,

I apologize, it seems i went on a rant on the 17th lol. Yesterday was my mother’s birthday (the 18th) and i think i was anxious and just wanted to think of anything else then the fact that i had to call her. Which i still haven’t done and now it’s belated. It just hurts too much to talk to her. But i know it will hurt her even more if i don’t call. I’m the only one left that will wish her a happy birthday. And i don’t my conscience can handle taking away such a small thing to make her a little happy. My mother destroyed her life, it was her fault, and she does not deny that. But she also does nothing to fix it. I don’t think she really understands the concept of reality anymore. I can barely pay for myself in NY state and she acts like finding her an affordable apartment for herself that she can live on with just disability is possible. It’s not. I’m a nurse, for God’s sake, and i don’t even make enough to afford these rent prices. I wouldn’t mind taking care of my mother, as that is what you do as your parents get older, except for the amount of abuse she provided me on a daily basis my whole childhood, leading to massive mental health issues in myself. And again, she’d be able to do it herself if she didn’t reek epic havoc on her body and brain by consuming mainly only alcohol for years. Idk when i call her, if i’m going to get a clear headed individual i can have at least somewhat of a calm conversation with, or slurring words and phrases that make no sense and not being able to get clear answers to my questions, which then makes me have to send someone to check on her. She brings me pure anxiety. I wish i was a bad person and i didn’t care if i didn’t call her and moved on. But i’m not. And my heart is gonna break, but if i ONLY had ONE person to wish me a happy birthday every year, idk what i would do if i didn’t get that call.

Schwarzes 's Dear Diary