Dear Diary,

BTW

I know its been a fucking long ass day

But I cant relax until I can pack my bags becuase you all ended up being right about him. He was my first best friend, my first boyfriend and I married him after I left

Now we've been together so long. We grew up together. It started awesome. Then he just snapped in 2015/2016

I keep trying to defend him and he keeps refusing therapy and his shit is getting worse. Now its at a point that if he gets the help he needs...well racism he is brown and Ive already seen what white cops try to do to him if they think I cant see

The problem is

I'm on trial with a bunch of veterans

And every time I try to say he's not that bad

He proves me wrong in front of all of them

And damn now im forced to see him for not who he once was

But for this selfish toxic asshole

And I put up with this shit for far too long

I thought I could help him remember who he once was. I suffered 5 years hoping he'd stop this shit cuz im not ready to give up on this awesome nephew and the life we tried to build

But he pretends to be stupid

He pretends he can't speak english

He made me look at the bruises he gave me

Now its too damn easy.

Because fuck that guy

He went from one I once loved

To a fucking nightmare

And now that I'm packing my bags

He is finally apologizing and saying dont go I love you and hes crying

But then I reminded of how many bruises the doctor counted last week

He keeps saying it never happened like that. He did it for my own good and Im just like damn

Keep making it easier on me

I'm choosing to keep the promise I made to so many

And I did so many great things without this guy even noticing cuz he really stopped giving a shit.

Fuck im ganna remind my favorite people who I am

How far I've fucking become

Because guess what

I've survived for so long 30 fucking years

I deserve a fucking break

I sacrificed myself for so long

No more

I'm chosing self care

I'm chosing th3 lessons so many taught me

Fuck it I may not have aged well

But I have my real voice back

I FINALLY HAVE MY GOOD MEMORIES BACK

BECAUSE IM NOT SCARED OF THE UGLY TRUTH BOMB ANYMORE

NEVER AGAIN

I GREW THE FUCK UP

AND I OUTGREW HIM

AND DAMN

IM FEELING Like I finally remember who I really AM!

And no

He doesnt deserve me anymore at all

And its starting to become pathetic

Because he wants to believe I cant live without him

But I've already been doing it this whole time.

Man

Did this guy really forget that I'm a marine too? And in the end, I made it to cpl before he did

So no matter what

Due to time in grade

I will always technically outrank him

And he keeps saying he is stupid enough to forget that.

Damn

I'm just waiting on my clothes to dry

A new home for my 3 dogs

So I can take a chance on going back to a moment

Where I can show you pics of me in paradise and so fucking happy cuz they taught me to survive some real shit and be so damn strong!! He really forgot I've always been like this

I AM A FEMALE MARINE

RAISED BY A BUNCH OF OTHER MARINES! WE ARE THAT FUCKING BADASS BECAUSE WE REALLY GOT TO SEE EACHOTHER BACK HOME

MY PERFECT WISH!

I HAVE A PAINTED PICTURE

IF I TAKE THIS CHANCE I WILL SHOW OFF MY 1 PERFECT WISH EVERY WAY I CAN BECUASE NOW I CARRY THE PAINTED IMAGE

I REALLY WANT YOU ALL TO THINK ABOUT THIS

IF YOU HAD ONE WISH

ONE PERFECT WISH AND NO MORE

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

EITHER WAY ALL I CAN SAY IS MARIA BRINK IS SO DAMN EMPOWERING!

I can finally use my words

Yeah I am fucking scary

But thats cuz I grew up exactly how my "dad" imagined I would and it just so raw, real, definitely not a cute teen anymore

I just now becuase I made it to your age, im such a badass just like my "dad"

And I can finally take back that moment I saw him cry in a bad way

Becuase shut the fuck up its not your fault. You really did the right thing for me Kevin

And wifey helped out so much

Cuz the song for my "dad"

What I want him to see

What I need him to hear is this damn music video

In this moment

Lead singer maria brink

Song: The Fighter

Can you finally see how strong you taught me to be? Can you finally hear my roar and know its really a good thing. You never broke me, you helped me grow up! It was just a little faster than you expected. Im so damn grateful you taught me this. Thank you for making that promise with me. I kept my end of the deal! How about you?

Billie's Dear Diary