'scary', 'vulnerable', 'fragile', 'emotional'

I don't related to these words or atleast not Infront of people. As long as I can remember I've been that strong and confident person and lucky for me I never had to learn how be them, all my life I have believed it to be true. People around me struggled with imposter syndrome but I personally did not ever feel like I was fake, I remember walking in conference rooms for my interview and I automatically switched personalities, I might be scared outside but inside that room I won't let anyone see me sweat. Overtime the conference room became my world with no outside to feel vulnerable.

Time over time, as long as I can remember I have been this person but I don't know when or how I lost the touch of me and touch of my feelings. I don't show fear in front of the world but I forgot how to be scared in front of me as well. I forgot how to be okay with being vulnerable and every time I chose to feel these feeling they make me so uncomfortable like something so foreign to me being forced on me.

I am scared and I am so scared of what will be, of how and most importantly the if's. I still don't know how to accept my fear and honestly it makes me feel ashamed to let anyone know that the same strong girl who helps you on your sad/vulnerable days, I am scared of accepting that girl is scared too. All my life I have kept my pain to me and call me my hyper independent personality but I don't TRUST anyone will be there for me and at the end of the day, ITS ME and ONLY. This lack of faith is not about you but about me and my past.

Granger's Dear Diary