~Obligatory sorry for the spam if anyone happens to even see any of these. I wanted to transfer my old entries here~

Fuck man. Just fuck.

I started reading "Toxic Parents" ages ago per Debrah's advice. I only read a few chapters and fell off. I started again and quickly got into the section about alcoholic parents and it's fucking reading me like I'm the book. I see a lot of similarities in myself, both with the victim of alcoholics but also the type of people those victims inevitably get involved with because they're familiar.

"Jody's Jekyll and Hyde boyfriend was a repeat of her father-- sometimes wonderful, sometimes terrible" is the same exact thing I've always a said about myself to people I care about: "When I'm good I'm great, but I'm normally not".

Despite the fact that I did not follow in my father's alcoholic footsteps, I do create a similar environment for those that care for me: uncertainty, instability, constant back and forth, confusion, and an unhealthy, deep rooted belief in my potential, with what I could be and not what I am. Just as my father swore to never repeat the mistakes his Did, I swore the same to myself. But simply swearing it isn't enough. It's ironic how pushing away so hard can almost bring you back around full circle, destined to hurt those not unlike how you were hurt. He is not his father, I am not mine, but unless the core of the problem is fixed you're just a fresh coat of a paint on a crumbling wall. You have to tear the wall down. You have to rip out the old parts and rebuild it from within. The wall never had a good structure, a good foundation like it should have been given. It's filled with rot and mold. No amount of paint will ever fix that. You must put in the work to build the structure that those failed to build for you and only then will a new coat of paint actually mean anything.

"Jealousy, possessiveness, and suspicion are recurrent themes in the relationships of many adult children of alcoholics"

"The golden child drives himself mercilessly to achieve unobtainable goals of perfection both in childhood and in adult life." You might as well shoot me in the fucking heart. If there is a single sentence that could summarize me in a nutshell it would be that.

The book continues to tell an excerpt from a patient named Steve about his struggles being the golden child. He says "Everybody thought I was Superkid ... The perfect son, the perfect student, scientist, husband, and father. I'm getting so tired of being perfection all the time!". I hate praise of any kind and I think this is a big reason why. Firstly, because achieving perfection is impossible but I still chase it regardless so I am never satisfied. When people praise me I just think to myself "it should have been better. I should have been better". Their attempt at praise does the exact opposite of what they're trying to achieve: it makes me feel worse with rare exception. Secondly, any praise is just a reminder of why I do what I do. Why I feel the need to be perfect. Why failure isn't an option. Why I must be better than everyone. So much of my issues in life stem from this yearning for perfection, which that comes directly from my parents. Mostly my dad, but my mom as well.

This perfectionism doesn't just apply to me though. It spreads like a plague into every friend, every relationship, everyone. People must meet my unachievable high standards because failure is not an option. This concept is so engrained in me that despite my best efforts I subconsciously apply it to others. I set impossibly difficult standards that every single person will fail to meet (myself included) and then I use that as fuel to hate them. But who am I hating? Am I truly hating them? Or do I just hate myself? Hate my Dad for his failures? Hate my Mom for crawling back to him time and time again? The build up is already inside of me, I just have other people light the match while I guide their hand so I have an excuse to get it out.

This chapter truly is just a blueprint for my life. "I have to be in control at all times. Children growing up in alcoholic homes are buffeted by unpredictable and volatile circumstances and personalities. In reaction, they often grow up with an overpowering need to control everything and everyone in their lives". It then goes on to talk about Glenn who struggles with this. How he ends up manipulating those around him to stay in control.

"Unfortunately, his manipulative behavior created distance and resentment between himself and the people he cared about. Like many adult children of alcoholics, Glenn's need to control people resulted in what he feared the most- rejection. It's ironic that the defenses he developed against loneliness as a child were the very things that brought him loneliness as an adult."

Ironic that I wrote about the concept of coming "full circle" earlier in this entry only for it to show up again like this.

This is getting long. I should probably end it here.

Keep your head up. You're on the right path.

Barthez's Dear Diary