[ENTRY 37..✍]

Most people probably won't believe this, but.. I've never had a boyfriend. I mean, I've been with guys before but I've never really committed to anyone. It never gets official. Perhaps you could say I have commitment issues? I don't know. Or maybe I just like staying in the safe zone. The zone where you're "more than friends, almost lovers." Just almost because it never goes farther. And I've always been fine with it because I have no problem with saying goodbye and I never beg for someone to stay. I mean, of course, goodbyes can hurt but when they leave, I just let them go, you know. The door's never been closed in the first place, anyway.

Except now.. I'm curious what it's like.

I'm curious to love someone in which I have all the right to say he's mine. I'm curious what it's like to introduce a guy to my friends and say, "Oh, by the way. This is my boyfriend." I'm curious what it's like to break-up where you can actually call it a "break-up" because you guys have a label. And I'm curious what it's like to witness the joy of a man when I do all these grand romantic gestures because deep down, I'm an awfully romantic person.

I've written songs and poems to guys before and I've let them hear or read it but that's it. I wanna do something bigger and make all these efforts but I'm never presented with the opportunity to act upon any because it's weird to do a grand romantic gesture to someone you've only known for, like.. I don't know, a month or two. And at most, my relationships with these guys only last for three months because I never think long-term. And within that span of time, it's too soon and the love is still not enough. Most importantly, they kind of don't deserve it. I mean, at least not yet. When I've already imagined how and when things between us would end, it's just not worth it.

But I've always wanted to serenade someone, or sing an original song to someone in front of a crowd, saying how I dedicate it to him as I blur everyone else in front of me and have my eyes' sole focus on the man who stole my heart and just him alone, standing there across the room, looking back at me.. It's dreadfully cliché in a typical romantic film but that's exactly what I want to make him feel.. to make him experience moments sprinkled with magic around my company as if we really are in a romantic movie. I want to fill his stomach with butterflies and give him a taste of what seems like a fairytale because he is my chéri, mon amour, and my prince. I wanna send him flowers with a piece of an original poem to brighten up his day and remind him how much he means to me. I wanna draw a portrait of him on his birthday or paint him nude because he's my best friend, my lover, and my muse. I wanna climb a mountain with him and shout on top of the world how much I love him because that's exactly how I feel and I want the heavens to know about it. I wanna go ice-skating with him and take his hand as an old love song plays in the background..

Ugh.

These things.. They're actually the things I want a guy to do to me but I've already made my peace with the fact that this kind of guy only exists in books and movies so why not just do all these romantic gestures to them myself? Besides, I'd absolutely enjoy it. I've already imagined executing these things a long time ago and I'd always be filled with excitement and delight at the thought of doing it someday to someone who deserves it all. (Oohlala.. The guy's going to be so crazy about me, I'm sure of it.. Oohlala! When we break-up, he's going to kill himself.. I joke, I joke. I love you.)

How do other people find it so easy, though? Getting a boyfriend or girlfriend, I mean. Like even someone they just met online without having met each other in person yet.. Cos I could never. I mean, I could fall in love, yes, but.. I could never commit myself to someone I haven't met face to face. I guess I'm just more cautious.. A lot could happen, you know.

Also, things might not be the same when you meet in person. Like, what if you're not sexually compatible? Sex is really important to me.. Even those who've met each other in a real life setting, say.. a bar. They spend a good night, exchange numbers, go on a date or two, and voilà: they're boyfriend and girlfriend and I'd just be like: "What? That fast?"

It's like I have a different definition of being in a relationship. I've kind of made it my standard that before you become my boyfriend, I should love you. Which is hard. I don't fall in love easily. I should probably change that..

Like in western dating. I often notice in movies and TV shows how they exclusively date someone and they haven't even told each other "I love you" yet. Sometimes, it's even a big deal for them to say it. And it used to confuse me so much because: "Huh? She's his boyfriend and she's afraid to say I love you?"

Apart from my naivety, it might also have something to do with the culture difference. Because where I'm from (at least the traditional way), you get to know each other first, and if things go well, you fall in love before you make things official. In other countries, it's like the other way around.

Alright, then. The next gent I'll have a connection with, that I like, and who also is my type—I'll make him my boyfriend. The combination of those three creates the potential of me falling in love, thus, making that gentleman the right choice.

There's just one problem, though. I don't think a man will ever want to commit himself to me because, well..

I'm not exactly that type.

Even I don't see it myself. My qualities aren't committable material. They're just... for temporary bliss. Ha. Well, there you go. Now you know the origin of my pen name.

Temporary bliss.

I guess that's all I'll ever be. A stop-over towards their destination because I'm not worth fighting for. A few guys have said they wanna marry me but that's only because they never knew me completely. And a big part of me is ugly. Just plain unattractive. Empty. Unworthy. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm okay when they go. It falls to my convenience because I don't want things to get too serious where I'll eventually be forced to show them that side.

Sigh.

Perhaps I won't be afraid to show the rest of who I am to someone equally damaged and broken. Someone as lost as I am. Perhaps then, together, we can find ourselves. Or I don't know. Maybe we'll just sink into rock bottom together. That would suck.. But at least we'd have each other, you know? We won't be alone. I just really want to be understood, I guess. And be accepted at my worst. I wonder if I'll ever find someone who will..

Actually? I'm quite certain there is. If I'd just disregard the rest of my confounded standards, I'm sure there's someone out there who'd be happy to welcome me in their arms. But no.. Oh, no no no. I just have to have a goddamn list of preferences to make this quest so hard, don't I? I'm fully aware I'm quite picky when it comes to men and I absolutely don't think I have the right to be so because of how fucked up I am. The audacity of my shameless arse, indeed. But I can't help it ☹ I just really have a type. And that's where the problem comes in because I always feel beneath the guys I usually like. Like.. the gap between us is heaven and earth.

I always feel less.

Another reason I just let them go: they deserve better.

Eamor's Dear Diary