Yesterday I applied for readmission to my university. I dropped out after the Fall 2019 term (4.5 years of enrollment) with only 4 credit hours between me and graduating. I was drowning in stress (PTSD) and working and ended up failing the classes I took that semester. Actually I'm not sure if I failed both or just one of them. Anyway, I did terribly that semester.

But now I've decided to finish what I started. I'm no longer so deeply stressed about what happened and I think I can handle life, work, and 4 credit hours of stress for about a month. I applied to return for the first summer session of 2022. I've already made a list of online classes that will be offered that I'm interested in. I have to wait for my proof of residency to be verified first and get some academic advising, then I should be able to sign up for classes. Classes start May 23rd.

I decided to go back for several reasons. One big reason is that I feel, essentially, guilty about taking out over $27k in loans and didn't even get a diploma (but, good news! Student loan forbearance has been pushed back from May 1st to August 31st!). Another is that I was looking at job postings and so many have a "preference" for applicants with at least a bachelor's degree, and then some that require a bachelor's degree. Also, every now and then my dad will hound me about how I need to go back and finish my degree. He can't say that anymore after I finish, but he might say something about how I should've finished it to begin with instead of taking a break.

As I mentioned before, I have been looking for other jobs. My job sucks. The pay is alright and the benefits like insurance are pretty great, but on-the-job stress is killer. So far I've had it pretty easy and only one customer has cussed at me ("you can fuck right off"), but it is so draining. I've been clenching my teeth so much at night. Sometimes I'm not sure, though, if my jaws hurt from clenching at night or from faking smiles at work. I don't even have to smile since I'm still wearing a face mask, but that's just how I am.

...

I've been looking at houses for sale ever since my grandma started her shit where she accuses me and my dad of going into her room and stealing or moving things around. I've found a few that I really liked, but they were bought by someone else before I ever even had a chance.

So mid-March I decided to apply for a mortgage. Not much has come from doing so. With my really good credit score and a $1k down payment, I could apparently afford a mortgage of about $154k. That's a lot of money, but it won't get you a whole lot around here. I'd like to get a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house, if I were to share it with Da and my parents. However if the house would be for just me and Da, I'd be fine with a 2 bed, 1 bath house.

Da says he'd really like to save up before getting a house. My dad said he would have no problem going in with me on a house. My mom is the problem though. She doesn't want to leave my grandma by herself. "Who's going to take care of her?" I have no idea, mama, but she has made it quite clear that she doesn't want myself or daddy in the house.

It's just a rough situation entirely.

I suppose I'll keep looking at houses as they come on the market, but I'm going to need to just focus as much as I can on finishing my degree and surviving work.

V's Dear Diary