I'm writing this because I have no one else to say it to.

I've been with the same man for ten years, and we have two children together. We lived on our own together all of those ten years. And then we lost it all. Seven months ago..... I lost everything, and I haven't been the same since. April 21st, the man I have loved for ten years was in the

back of a cop car for putting his hands on me. I didn't know how to feel. Was I supposed to be happy that he was paying for his wrong actions? Or was I supposed to be upset that he chose those actions? He wasn't that person. Who was this person?

I moved to my moms that night. I slept on the floor with two kids. I started to feel wrong. I shouldn't have called the cops. I put him in jail. Why? I loved him. That's all I kept thinking. I asked for the domestic violence charges against him to be dropped. They were, but he was still charged with possession of marijuana. He was bailed out (not by me) and I moved back home.

End of May I am moving my things to my brothers house. Not because he put his hands on me again, but because the arguing wouldn't stop. We were getting evicted, and I didn't understand why. Where was the money going then? I stayed there a week before I moved to his moms with him.

His mom's house is another story that maybe one day I'll want to vent about....but let's focus on how we got here.

We lived there for 5 months before we got something else. It was a breath of fresh air. Finally. A clean slate. We were happier. We were getting along.

One day I was doing laundry and emptying out his pockets when I find two small bags. The first one was clearly a powder residue. The second one was rocks. I asked about it, of course. His response is "Its from a long time ago, I just found the bags and was getting rid of them." He was consistent and I dropped it.

Two days ago I am doing laundry again and find a pipe with that same white residue. He claims it's not his. Part of me wanted to call the police. I couldn't. This was our clean slate.

I don't believe a word he says. I have two kids and have burned every bridge I had over him.

I continue to be his strength. I'm afraid to leave because I dont have any where to go. I can't bee homeless with two kids. The waiting list for housing assistance is ridiculous.

I just want to be able to breathe and not have to worry so much.

NDA's Dear Diary