Dear Diary,

Actually today I want some opinions.

Which do you guys think is better.

The hurt caused by letting go or the one caused by holding on?

The biggest problem is that I don't know if the other person wants to hold on or not.

Although I feel that it is stupid as long as the other party want to hold on I will happily hold on too.

The signal from the other side is super mixed maybe they are feeling confused too. But at times I feel like I am being really stupid for being so indecisive.

I keep drawing this line but then I keep crossing over it. I keep compromising once, twice, so many times.

I understand that this means in my heart I don't want to let go at all.

But then what about the other party?

I have no idea what they want.

I am pretty sure the solution is something called communication.

But how am I supposed to communicate.

Texting. I did.

But they think I am scolding them.

Scoff

I mean I really want to grab them by the collar and shout you think this is scolding wait and see I will show you.

But maybe it can come across like that from their point of view. When I am blinded by emotions I usually have no idea how I write. I will be too immersed in what I feel.

And texting has never once worked. We were never on the same page while texting.

Then voice messages.

Sure I will send. My feelings or what I think will always get across. But that person avoids sending them. So i will have no idea how they feel and will overthink.

Calls.

That person usually avoids them like plague.

Usual excuse will be I don't like awkward silence.

They won't attend the call but instead text.

Doesn't all this seem like they hate me?

I thought so too. That is why I tried to let go. But they obviously ended in a failure.

And then recently I watched some tv show which made me doubt if what I thought was really the truth. So I kind of fact checked. I discovered that it was the other person who was planning the reunion.

But then here comes more confusion.

Is that person planning it because they want to see me or they just want to see everyone. Am I just someone included in everyone?

So I called that person today. But they were travelling so I had to cut the call. They answered it though.

Before someone tells they were lying I will clear it. I could hear the sound of the wind and their voice sounded super hoarse, so they were probably sleeping.

But then here comes an even bigger question.

Why did they answer the call. Usually it would have been a text saying I am traveling.

I figure it may be one of the two reasons.

1. Too lazy to text.

2. That was the second time J called the first time no matter how I think about it was ignored.

Even if I try to be really positive about it I can only think that they were too sleepy and figured they could talk the next day or in a worse case scenario they were annoyed that I woke them up a second time they attended it to tell me to shut up.

Actually you know why I called today.

I really wanted to know the answer.

Truth be told this was not the first time I called. I have this other number but I don't use it too often. They know this number but they probably never saved it.

I am sure about this cause this was before all this happened. Maybe even at that point they had wanted to let go.

Actually I will check this.

I will send a super creepy message with all their details. If they directly block me it is all okay but if they respond saying are you trying to scare me they would have to say why my calls were ignored.

Ahem let's forget about this evil plan.

Back on topic, I keep making excuses for them saying they probably haven't saved this number, they will feel uncomfortable, they will be busy blah blah blah.

So when I try to call and decide once and for all. It is like god is coming and saying jokes on you.

They are traveling how am I supposed to have a proper deep conversation. I wanted to say, let's meet up tomorrow. Tomorrow was the day everyone was originally supposed to meet.

But now I can't say it at all. If I had not known they were travelling today I would have atleast thought it was an excuse they were saying to avoid me could have decided no more compromising.

Do you know how much effort it took for me to male that single call?

How afraid I was?

What would I do if they don't want to meet tomorrow?

What if we do meet?

How I felt when they did not answer the first time?

And second time they finally answered?

But then baam. I am traveling.

Hahahahaha

The hell.

What is wrong with my life?

For now I have decided to wait and see if they ask, why did you call. But knowing them it is impossible. They are either too dense and didn't notice or noticed but avoiding mode.

I think the problem other than communication is their entire freaking personality.

I can't hold on to them too tight because they won't tell it hurts. They will just pretend to be okay or just run away and hide.

But I just can't let go and wait because even if I wait for a lifetime they won't take that first step.

I don't even know what I am doing now.

I

F's Dear Diary