Dear Diary,

i cant remember when the last time was that i wrote here. The link to this website has only been sitting on my bookmarks for weeks now, and it seems worthy for me to conclude that a lot of things have happened.

Quitting my job renewed me but it wasnt as ground-breaking as i thought it would be. i remembered myself sulking at just the thought of being in that job and it sucked a lot. But as everything went on i thought i could go be happy for myself too since im free and now have all the time to regain myself now since everything drained me.

Being there felt to me like i was lost, and the words of my boss became resounding at the back of my mind telling me that happiness is a choice as i kept telling her i just wasnt happy with where i was at the time. The last conversation we had was when i quit telling her how its easy to tell someone to just choose to be happy, but i told her the situation just wasnt going to fit me.

Early days of quitting had me feeling great. I started reading books which i never really did before. I tried learning how to bake, which wasnt that much good of an idea since at this time, i was actually trying to make it work as a small business, but i figured the trial and error part of baking would be too costly especially now that im unemployed. well i do have this small part time job which, i earn bare minimum, so low that it pains me to claim its even a job.

Right now it sucks since finances havent been good. I know I anticipated this happening but somehow it still feels difficult. I hope to find a job soon. Some might say, youre fucking poor how can you still afford to be picky in your jobs?

The answer is, no im not really that picky, or maybe i am, but there are jobs that aren't really for me, and fitting myself in there just to earn, will do me good financially, but the last job i had was a turning point that sometimes you gotta choose wisely in whatever job you go into. I went there knowing full well that it was gonna be good for me, but a few months in, it slowly weighed on me.

I noticed ive become more spontaneous about life after that. It gave me a feeling as if i can never settle. The question i ask myself now is how and where do i go from here. A lot of possibilities are ahead and in my chest it only feels empty. Finances are bad, nothing ive ever cherished is growing great, and i can never find myself investing in anything stable. Its more of the fear in me honestly.

Adereskys's Dear Diary