Maybe I am or maybe I am not, but when is love ever easy?

It's a hard pill to swallow when people say I am hard to love and it somehow makes me believe that I have been the reason why people gave up on me, and that's so hard to accept. Would I do things differently? I don't think so.

But, all this left me wondering am I really hard to love, have I really been the reason people can stay and love me?

I have done everything for people to show that I love them and gave them all I had but still I was left behind and not loved enough, my question is why? At this point it is difficult for me to accept I am a easy person to be with or love. My question is why? I love more, care more and give so much more. So why? When will this end, my insecurities, this pain, these throwbacks, it hurts being hurt like this. Its getting difficult carrying this pain around. I do wanna give up sometimes, but I can't stop breathing, I just can't do that to people I love. Every time these thoughts start coming back I think about my parents and how much it'll hurt them if I actually gave up. My father raised me to fight this world and I can't disappoint him. I know it will shatter my mom if I actually did something to myself. I just hope this will to keep going doesn't stop, and I don't give into this part where I don't wanna breathe anymore.

The pain is too much to handle but at least this is something I can call mine and ik it won't leave me ever, it scares me but somehow it hurts me as well.

Rian's Dear Diary