Dear Diary, I know I should sleep already. But I can’t…

I was keeping googling “having no friends”

What am I doing!

She sent back a text. She didn’t ignored my last message. I am not sure how to reply. In the last message I asked her if its okay to send her message again or something like that. Could be weird and awkward but I did it anyway. Because simply thinking, it’s more weird that she suddenly reject me / i go straight to think she doesn't like me anymore. So i thought its more natural to text her again in the future.

(I know i am currently being creepy , selfish and very narrow minded about my “friendship”…)

I think she is just being nice to make the rejection soft and less awkward for both of us. If she still regards ne as her friend, she could ask me what kind of job i got or something when i tell her i managed to get a full time job. And she could tell me she wants to meet me again if her schedule is okay. But there’s non of those question.

Maybe, just maybe she is like me and she cant tell that she is struggling her mental situation or something… so she is mentally unavailable like i was… probably not… But who knows! No one can decide what is true unless she tells me.

She might had decided to leave me and other friend (“we” were a friends group of 3) at some point of our university life already. But who knows? When i am extra negative, i tend to assume the worst. Actually i feel this sounds most likely to me now.

But i still have a friend from abroad and we exchange long text constantly.

And i still have one childhood friend to send message to.

I guess it is a rare case tho…

And i really dont want them to know that i dont have other friends than them.

I know they find me a nice person to be with them but having almost no friends makes me feel like i am not trust worthy. So i feel sorry to them.

I re-read my old entries today. That is kinda crazy that i am here since Sep. 2021. I have been struggling mentally.

And i really didnt have energy to miss my friends or interaction with them.

But now i am ready to socialize.

Finally!

But now i dont have person to socialize with.

Very ironic and sad.

I know depressed friend is kinda creepy and risky. So they can leave me. But i think its still okay to feel the sadness / regret and cry.

I know i am being very selfish… and childish…

Bird's Dear Diary